Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

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Obama Publishes Tell-All Book About America

WASHINGTON—In what is being advertised as a bombshell cultural event certain to spark a storm of controversy nationwide, publisher HarperCollins has released this week President Barack Obama's long-awaited new tell-all book about America. In the 800...

Vindictive Movie Studio Threatens To Make 'Coyote Ugly' Sequel

BURBANK, CA—Producers said that not only would they do everything in their power to make the sequel the most repellent, soulless, pandering film ever released, but that all of the resources of the Walt Disney Company would be dedicated to promoting the film.

Kim Jong-Il Interprets Sunrise As Act Of War

PYONGYANG, NORTH KOREA—Kim also warned against other "extreme transgressions" including inspections of North Korean cargo, shorter hemlines, and the release of yet another new sports drink.

Customer Service Operator Safely In Remote Location

PHOENIX, AZ—Incompetent and uncaring U-Haul helpline operator Kamio Morton's remote Phoenix location is the only thing protecting him from brutal, bloody revenge at the hands of thousands of irate customers, sources reported Monday. "Listen, shitass, get me a tow truck right this fucking minute or, so help me God, I'll gut you," stranded Brooklyn motorist Don Jewison said from the shoulder of Chicago's I-294, where he had been awaiting assistance for more than four hours. "Put me on hold one more time, and I'll put you in the fucking hospital." Jewison is the 63rd motorist to impotently threaten Morton's life this year, a streak that is expected to come to a sudden end when a U-Haul truck inevitably breaks down within walking distance of Phoenix.

God Re-Floods Middle East

JERUSALEM—In what theological and meteorological authorities are calling "a wrathful display of Old Testament proportions," the Lord Almighty re-flooded the Middle East Tuesday, making good on last week's threat to wipe the region clean if there was not an immediate halt to the bloodshed between Arabs and Jews.

U.S. To Arab World: 'Stop Hating Us Or Suffer The Consequences'

WASHINGTON, DC— In a strongly worded ultimatum Tuesday, President Bush warned the Arab world to "stop hating the United States or suffer the consequences." "You have exactly 10 days to put aside your deep-rooted resentment and rage toward America and learn to like us," said Bush in a message broadcast live to 17 Arab nations via Al Jazeera. "If you fail to comply, prepare to have the full might of the U.S. military brought down upon you." Bush also threatened to carpet-bomb any Arab region whose populace continues to be angry about America's longtime bombing campaign against Iraq and the decade-long U.S. sanctions that have led to the malnutrition deaths of tens of thousands of Iraqi children.

Brutal Gang Rape Gives Screenplay More 'Punch'

HOLLYWOOD, CA–Screenwriter Justin Weichert "punched up" his screenplay for the action-suspense film Lethal Force, adding a brutal gang-rape scene, it was reported Monday. "The studio asked for a little more oomph, a little more edge," Weichert said of the added scene, in which the sister of lead character Jack Fist is brutally raped in an alley by Fist arch-enemy Ivan Petra and a band of the Russian drug lord's thugs. "So, to give Fist more motivation, I figured I'd put in a crime he'd definitely want revenge for. Only the sickest of freaks would fail to identify with the hero after seeing this rape scene." Weichert also noted that the scene calls for female nudity, which "has never hurt a film's box-office receipts."

Disgruntled Ninja Silently Kills 12 Co-Workers

SKOKIE, IL—Toshiro Tenchumaru, a 34-year-old ninja and longtime employee at Azuma Copier Corporation in Skokie, stealthily took the lives of 12 co-workers Monday after suffering what investigators theorize was "a breakdown due to job-related stress."

Aztec Extremists Cut Out Visiting Pope's Heart

MEXICO CITY—Exacting retribution for Catholic explorer Hernando Cortez's destruction of their civilization, Aztec extremists cut out visiting Pope John Paul II's heart in a ritual ceremony Monday. "For nearly 500 years, we have been brutally oppressed by the Catholics, enduring slavery, inquisition, rape, disease, forced conversions and random terror," said Aztec high priest Xalpatlahuac, holding aloft the still-beating heart of the pope, who was making his fourth trip to Mexico since ascending to the papacy in 1979. "In the name of all those who have died, I sacrifice this heart to the sun god Huitzilopochtli." The 78-year-old Polish pontiff was riding through the streets of downtown Mexico City in his popemobile when the extremists seized him and carried him off to a nearby Aztec pyramid. He was then pinned down by four priests, and, after a brief struggle, his chest was carved open with a sacrificial obsidian knife. The Catholic Church has not responded to the extremists' demand that $14 billion in plundered Aztec gold be returned.
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Perfecting Your Revenge Plot

There are times when you have exercised all other options to resolve a difference, and vengeance is your sole remaining alternative. Here are some ways to ensure your revenge plot goes off without a hitch:

  • Remember, the most important factor in a revenge plot is the slow reveal, in which your target gradually realizes you were behind everything, even the part where their dry-cleaning got lost.
  • You don’t want some meddling do-gooder spilling the beans about the operation, so involve as few people as possible and consider changing your Facebook status from “Seeking revenge” to “Not seeking revenge.”
  • If anyone asks why you're carrying around chalk, a box of laxatives, and some rope, saying it's related to an eating disorder should shut them up right quick.
  • Pay a little more for a superior fog machine.
  • If your revenge plot involves deploying robots, make sure your enemy is not also a robot, or they may become friends.
  • Practice your plot several times on family members to be certain it will have all the desired ill effects.
  • Always double-check to make sure you're getting the right guy. The last thing you want is a repeat of last time, when that innocent guy's wife just cried and cried no matter how many times you said it was a mistake.