BOSTON—While noting that they match 99 percent of incoming freshmen by compatibility, officials from Boston University’s Office of Residence Life admitted Tuesday that every once in a while they get a kick out of pairing up roommates who will absolutely fucking despise one another.
PORTLAND, ME—In an effort to ease any concerns about her presence at the apartment, local man Jason Ballard assured his two roommates Wednesday that his girlfriend would only be staying over for the entire duration of their relationship.
MILWAUKEE—Noting that his income level does not necessitate sharing a single kitchen and bathroom with two other grown men, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 32-year-old Josh Redmayne must be living with roommates completely by choice at this p...
BRIDGEPORT, CT—Examining the contents of a plastic takeout container while standing at the open refrigerator, 23-year-old Andrew Beyer reportedly estimated Wednesday that he could safely have two more bites of his roommate’s leftover chicken p...
NEW YORK—Seemingly compelled to participate in meaningless conversations whenever encountering each other in their apartment, local roommates Dylan Lewis and Sean Porter told reporters Tuesday they still do not know each other well enough to not spe...
The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary guidelines to include four servings of someone else’s grains and cereals per day.
AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting alone quietly in his darkened bedroom until a party being thrown by his roommate ends. Kre...
BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...
LEXINGTON, KYTy Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.
LAWRENCE, KS—Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two roommates.
MINNEAPOLIS—Overweight 26-year-old Michael Paulson bid a temporary farewell to the apartment he shares with three friends Monday, in order to make a 900-mile bus trip to Memphis, TN "just to fuck some girl," his roommates reported.
LAS CRUCES, NM—Dave Beckman, the newest tenant of a three-bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Crest complex, has offered numerous redecorating tips "to make the place more livable," long-time inhabitants Andrew Kiely and Marcus Linkater said Monday.
ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend naked. "Every now and then, I'll just sit in the living room with the TV off and hope they think I'm in my room or out of the apartment altogether," said Smidlap, keeping an eye on the hallway between the bathroom and Cordova's room. "I think I have a decent shot of at least seeing Valerie's ass if I stay diligently to the task."
MINNEAPOLIS–At a Monday meeting concerning second-quarter double-sided-tape sales, 3M account manager Rick Belbol fondly recalled the day he and his college roommates spent the day hanging out on the roof of their house.
ATHENS, GA—The subject of a $174.76 phone bill was delicately broached Monday, when Jeff DeSilva, 21, casually asked roommate Chad Morris if he happened to know anyone in Holmdel, NJ. "Say, Neil, don't you have a buddy in New Jersey, like maybe in Holmdel, or some cool place with a 732 area code like that?" DeSilva asked. "Yeah, aren't you still friends with that guy with the goatee who visited here last year who plays guitar and likes to talk for 49 minutes beginning at 10:32 p.m. on July 29?" Morris, who has been negligent in paying his share of phone bills in the past, is believed to have made made five unclaimed phone calls in the past month, including a 71-minute, $13.47 call to Bremerton, WA, right in the middle of the day.
Living with other people can be a challenge, especially when you don’t agree on how to share the common space. Here are The Onion’s tips for dealing with roommates:
When you first move in, figure out if you will be sharing food so you can predetermine hiding spots for anything good.
Post a chart by the door that keeps track of which person was the last to purchase communal items like toilet paper, trash bags, and all the furniture in the living room and all the dishes and silverware in the kitchen.
Have a polite conversation to decide whose family urns will go where on the mantel.
It’s important that you make sure to ask your roommate before borrowing their significant other.
Choose roommates carefully. Sure, fresh-faced college grads are cute, but there are thousands of older Craigslist candidates desperate for loving homes.
When it comes to utilities, divide the heating bill equitably based on which of you is the most endothermic.
Avoid polarizing conversation topics like politics, religion, and being four months behind on rent.
Discuss a standard of cleanliness that each roommate agrees will be ruined by Brian anyway.
Many people come to a big city for the first time not knowing much about Steely Dan. For your roommate’s sake, play Aja in the communal living room, but don’t stop there—Gaucho and Can’t Buy A Thrill will really demonstrate the range of Donald Fagen’s vocals and the band’s overall cautious march into the 1980s rock scene.
Always check in with your roommate before inviting someone over. A quick text 45 seconds before bursting in with a group of drunk friends will make all the difference.
If it’s just not working out, consider simply doubling your income and getting your own place.