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roommates

Tips For Dealing With Roommates

Living with other people can be a challenge, especially when you don’t agree on how to share the common space. Here are The Onion’s tips for dealing with roommates:

Man Must Be Living With Roommates By Choice At This Point

MILWAUKEE—Noting that his income level does not necessitate sharing a single kitchen and bathroom with two other grown men, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 32-year-old Josh Redmayne must be living with roommates completely by choice at this p...

Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...

New Roommate Always There

COLUMBUS, OH–Adam Polentz said he doubts his 22-year-old roommate got up from the couch even once the entire time Polentz was away last weekend.

Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days

LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.

Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan

LAWRENCE, KS—Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two roommates.

New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas

LAS CRUCES, NM—Dave Beckman, the newest tenant of a three-bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Crest complex, has offered numerous redecorating tips "to make the place more livable," long-time inhabitants Andrew Kiely and Marcus Linkater said Monday.

Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend naked. "Every now and then, I'll just sit in the living room with the TV off and hope they think I'm in my room or out of the apartment altogether," said Smidlap, keeping an eye on the hallway between the bathroom and Cordova's room. "I think I have a decent shot of at least seeing Valerie's ass if I stay diligently to the task."
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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child. According to sources, the unspeaking, expressionless 26-year-old was never witnessed exiting her bedroom, instead seeming to materialize out of thin air on the outskirts of a conversation circle as if she were the apparition of an English nobleman’s daughter who died of typhoid in 1868 and possibly went by the name Gwendolyn or Abigail. Several unsettled witnesses reported how, at one point, Stahl was seen standing rigid and silent a dozen feet beyond the dining area table that had been set up as the bar, looking out at all the revelers with a blankness in her eyes that suggested she had become trapped between this world and that of her girlhood in a mid-19th-century countryside manor. Wearing a skirt and top that may as well have been a calf-length, puff-sleeve dress with a lace collar and a large silk waist bow, the host’s roommate reportedly entered the kitchenette at one point for a glass of water and, just a moment later, appeared standing behind the couch like a spectral figure who perished suddenly at the age of 9 and has ever since drifted across the face of the earth unimpeded by walls or other physical surfaces. According to reports, roughly an hour into the festivities, several partygoers felt a sudden chill of cold air and looked around to find Stahl nowhere in sight, leaving them to wonder if she had ever even been there in the first place.

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