New Roommate Bestows Apartment With Unexpected Windfall Of End Tables

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Man Must Be Living With Roommates By Choice At This Point

MILWAUKEE—Noting that his income level does not necessitate sharing a single kitchen and bathroom with two other grown men, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 32-year-old Josh Redmayne must be living with roommates completely by choice at this p...

Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...

New Roommate Always There

COLUMBUS, OH–Adam Polentz said he doubts his 22-year-old roommate got up from the couch even once the entire time Polentz was away last weekend.

Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days

LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.

Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan

LAWRENCE, KS—Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two roommates.

New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas

LAS CRUCES, NM—Dave Beckman, the newest tenant of a three-bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Crest complex, has offered numerous redecorating tips "to make the place more livable," long-time inhabitants Andrew Kiely and Marcus Linkater said Monday.

Man Hoping To Accidentally See Roommate's Girlfriend Naked

ATLANTA–Steve Smidlap, 23, roommate of Andy Cordova, admitted Monday that he is hoping to "accidentally" catch a glimpse of Cordova's girlfriend naked. "Every now and then, I'll just sit in the living room with the TV off and hope they think I'm in my room or out of the apartment altogether," said Smidlap, keeping an eye on the hallway between the bathroom and Cordova's room. "I think I have a decent shot of at least seeing Valerie's ass if I stay diligently to the task."

Subject Of Phone Bill Delicately Broached

ATHENS, GA—The subject of a $174.76 phone bill was delicately broached Monday, when Jeff DeSilva, 21, casually asked roommate Chad Morris if he happened to know anyone in Holmdel, NJ. "Say, Neil, don't you have a buddy in New Jersey, like maybe in Holmdel, or some cool place with a 732 area code like that?" DeSilva asked. "Yeah, aren't you still friends with that guy with the goatee who visited here last year who plays guitar and likes to talk for 49 minutes beginning at 10:32 p.m. on July 29?" Morris, who has been negligent in paying his share of phone bills in the past, is believed to have made made five unclaimed phone calls in the past month, including a 71-minute, $13.47 call to Bremerton, WA, right in the middle of the day.
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.

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