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Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Tips For Dealing With Roommates

Living with other people can be a challenge, especially when you don’t agree on how to share the common space. Here are The Onion’s tips for dealing with roommates:

Man Must Be Living With Roommates By Choice At This Point

MILWAUKEE—Noting that his income level does not necessitate sharing a single kitchen and bathroom with two other grown men, sources confirmed Wednesday that local 32-year-old Josh Redmayne must be living with roommates completely by choice at this p...

Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting

BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have a meeting as soon as everyone can find a moment. According to the 24-year-old production assista...

New Roommate Always There

COLUMBUS, OH–Adam Polentz said he doubts his 22-year-old roommate got up from the couch even once the entire time Polentz was away last weekend.

Roommate Not Seen For, Like, Five Days

LEXINGTON, KY—Ty Crandon and Wesley Sandino realized Tuesday that they haven't seen roommate Joel Kramer in, like, five days. "Dude, have you seen Joel?" Crandon asked Sandino as the two sorted the mail. "No? Shit. His door is closed, but I knocked and there was no answer. I don't think I've seen him since, like, Thursday." Sandino and Crandon said they figure he's been staying at girlfriend Nora Krause's or something, and they hope he's all right.

Housemates Reject Third-Roommate Debt-Relief Plan

LAWRENCE, KS—Chad Doogan, 20, a resident of the economically ravaged back bedroom at 1409 Oakwood Drive, received a huge setback Monday, when a humanitarian proposal calling for the forgiveness of his outstanding debts was vetoed by his two roommates.

New Roommate Has Lots Of Big Redecorating Ideas

LAS CRUCES, NM—Dave Beckman, the newest tenant of a three-bedroom apartment in the Lincoln Crest complex, has offered numerous redecorating tips "to make the place more livable," long-time inhabitants Andrew Kiely and Marcus Linkater said Monday.
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Man Walks In On Roommate In Kitchen Having Way With His Leftovers

SAN ANTONIO—Shuddering as he recalled the details of the traumatic encounter, local man Christopher Gao told reporters Thursday that he walked in on one of his roommates having his way with his leftovers in the kitchen. “I got home from work a bit early and went to grab a beer, and that’s when I saw him right there with the containers on the counter, just going at it,” said a shaken Gao, adding that having noticed his roommate eye his leftovers a few times before, he had his suspicions, but nothing could have prepared him for the shock of what was happening right in front of him, particularly the loud slurping and lip-smacking sounds he has been unable to get out of his head even now. “I just stood there staring for two minutes before he even noticed me. I started screaming, ‘What the fuck are you doing?’ and he tried to quickly cover everything up—but I know what I saw.” According to Gao, his roommate later tried to explain away his actions by saying he was drunk and even attempted to shift the blame by saying Gao had neglected his leftovers in the fridge and not given them the attention they deserved.

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