adBlockCheck

Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet

Top Headlines

science

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.

EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.

‘Seek Funding’ Step Added To Scientific Method

PARIS—In an effort to modernize the principles and empirical procedures of examining phenomena and advancing humanity’s collective knowledge, the International Council for Science announced Thursday the addition of a “Seek Funding” step to the scientific method.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Experts Warn Climate Change Will Increase Incidences Of Stepping Into Puddle And Getting Whole Goddamn Foot Soaking Wet

SILVER SPRING, MD—According to alarming new findings released Tuesday by the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, the ongoing effects of climate change will soon vastly increase the number of incidences of people stepping into a puddle and getting their whole goddamn foot soaking wet. “In just the next 10 years, our models predict a 36 percent rise in stepping off a curb into a huge, stupid puddle you didn’t think would be that fucking deep,” said NOAA researcher Colin Durocher, adding that recent projections have shown the Eastern Seaboard could be worst affected by pant cuffs being dampened halfway up the goddamn ankle and it being way too late to go home and change. “Unless we take action now, we had better prepare for a future in which our entire dumb sock is sopping wet for the whole day and our shoe makes a disgusting squishing sound every time we take a fucking step.” Durocher warned that scientists also expect to see a similarly sharp increase in incidences of stupid, piece-of-shit umbrellas being blown inside out when you’re just trying to get to your damn car.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close