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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

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New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

  • STEP 1

    Invent remaining 2,348 technologies needed to make trip possible

  • STEP 2

    $10 billion appears

  • STEP 3

    Cost of spaceship reduced by going with cheap Venetian plaster instead of more expensive marble

  • STEP 4

    Before departing, voyagers visit doctor to receive all the CDC–recommended vaccines for trip to another celestial body

  • STEP 5

    Tell poor people we’ll come back for them

  • STEP 6

    Humanity runs away from all of its problems at 5,375 mph

  • STEP 7

    Spaceship gets passed on left by reckless asteroid

  • STEP 8

    Those not murdered by fellow passengers land safely on Mars three months later

  • STEP 9

    Set up utilities and Wi-Fi

  • STEP 10

    Apply for construction permits within notoriously byzantine bureaucracy of the Intergalactic Department of Buildings

  • STEP 11

    Group photo

  • STEP 12

    Build entire civilization from scratch

  • STEP 13

    Future Mars population considers colonizing barren wasteland of Earth in last-ditch effort to save species

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