BOSTON—Flying in the face of generally accepted beliefs about such outbursts, a new study released by the Boston College Department of Psychology found that expressing anger in unhealthy ways is actually incredibly satisfying.
Forty years ago this week, NASA launched Voyager 2, which carries a gold-plated record featuring pictures and sounds from Earth as well as scientific information, all of which was carefully compiled in anticipation of a possible extraterrestrial encounter. Here are the contents of the record:
BOSTON—Calling it a minor setback for what otherwise appeared to be a promising new medical intervention, a team of infant researchers announced Wednesday that their experimental anti-aging treatment still has a few kinks.
NEW YORK—Calling it an everyday struggle for millions of young dudes, a new report released Friday by researchers at New York University found that those suffering from buddy dysmorphia experience a skewed, deeply negative perception of the shapes of their friends
HOUSTON—After an exhaustive 18-month evaluation process in which an applicant pool of hundreds was narrowed down to the two very buffest candidates, NASA announced Friday that it had chosen a pair of hot, ripped astronauts to take part in the first-ever man-on-man mission to Mars.
BATAVIA, IL—Calling it the most substantial private donation the research facility has received in years, officials at the Fermi National Accelerator Laboratory announced Monday that an anonymous benefactor had given them a generous particle donation.
WILLIAMSBURG, VA—Almost too queasy to even comment on the study at all, a team of disgusted researchers from the College of William and Mary announced Thursday they couldn’t bring themselves to find out how much mayonnaise the average American consumes each year.
PASADENA, CA—In hopes of better understanding a phenomenon that has vexed researchers for decades, hundreds of theoretical scientists have assembled at the California Institute of Technology for the 35th annual symposium on how gas nozzles know when a car’s tank is full, sources said Thursday.
CHICAGO—Assuaging concerns about the safety of the corrective eye treatment, a study published Monday in ‘The Journal Of The American Medical Association’ found that only 1 in 3 Lasik surgeries end in the laser boring through the eyes, incinerating the brain, and shooting through the skull on the other side.
PASADENA, CA—In the latest troubling update from the multi-year survey mission, scientists at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory received another set of depressing photos from the martian surface taken by the Morbid Curiosity Rover, sources at the agency confirmed Wednesday.
PITTSBURGH—Saying that no characteristic was a better predictor of success in relationships, a new study released by Carnegie Mellon University’s Department of Psychology on Thursday concluded that not acting like a total fucking moron is the most attractive quality one can find in a potential mate.
EARTH—Noting that the species’ tenure in the leadership role has been marked by an incompetence and shortsightedness that has caused irreparable damage, sources reported Thursday that humans are facing increased calls to give up their position as head of the world’s failing ecosystem.
Twenty years ago today, computer Deep Blue made history by beating world champion Garry Kasparov in a game of chess. The Onion looks back at some of the most important moments in the development of AI technology:
STANFORD, CA—Saying the findings reflected the promise of a sustainable future, Stanford University’s Global Climate and Energy Project issued a report Thursday predicting that solar energy will be able to power 95 percent of Scorchlands outposts by 2085.
Interstate Voyage Seen As Step Toward One Day Placing Humans On Route
DALLAS—In order to assess the viability of the route for potential travel by human beings, Greyhound officials announced at a press conference Wednesday a mission that will send a pair of chimpanzees on a pioneering 457-mile overland bus trip from Buffalo, NY to Atlantic City, NJ.
KENNEBUNK, ME—Setting off a cascade of neurological processes that evolved in the human race millennia ago, the same chemicals that pushed local man Eric Steiner’s ancient ancestors to run down wild boar reportedly flared Thursday at the sight of a bag of white cheddar popcorn.
WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking new technology could allow humans to withstand the harsh conditions they will experience on the planet’s surface, NASA confirmed Tuesday that it has created a climate-controlled suit capable of protecting people who hope to one day live on Earth.
GENEVA—Expressing deep regret over the catastrophic incident that occurred within the Large Hadron Collider, officials from the European Organization for Nuclear Research, also known as CERN, held a press conference Monday to apologize for the destruction of five parallel universes in a recent experiment.
LOS ANGELES—In an effort to help open new doors for the many women struggling to readjust to life after performing, officials from the Screen Actors Guild‐American Federation of Television and Radio Artists spoke to reporters Thursday about the union’s new job-training program for 30-year-old actresses who have aged out of the workforce.
WESTFORD, MA—Admitting that she couldn’t fully describe the enigmatic allure that drew her to him, local woman Laura Saracen told reporters Wednesday there was just something dark and intriguing about 34-year-old Tyler Evans, a man with a serious personality disorder.