NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit. “Launch and deployment went smoothly, and now our Wireless 1 craft appears to be operating and communicating nominally without the aid of a standard 22,000-mile satellite cable,” said Joint Agency Satellite Division director Sandra Smalley, explaining that, for the first time ever, a NASA satellite has been able to maintain contact with crew on the ground without remaining directly plugged into a computer and energy source at its launchpad. “We’ve come a long way since 1958, back when our satellites could only complete one or two orbits before their cords got wrapped around the earth and they plummeted back down to the ground. Now, with this revolutionary new technology, we actually have the potential to completely eliminate the labor-intensive task of untangling satellites whose cables have crossed paths and become tied in knots.” If successful, Smalley said the advances in cordless technology should be transferrable to the agency’s space probes as well, freeing NASA from having to continuously unspool billions of miles of wire as it has been doing for decades with Voyager 1 and 2.

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