FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used

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Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.
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FDA Report Finds Food Prevents Hunger 98% Of Time When Properly Used

SILVER SPRING, MD—In its largest study of safe dietary practices to date, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration announced Tuesday that when used correctly, food is successful in preventing hunger approximately 98 percent of the time. “After researching the effects of nourishment, we found that if people put food in their mouth and make sure to get it all the way down to the base of their esophagus, hunger can be averted almost every time,” said FDA spokesman Ken Simmons, who during a press conference demonstrated the proper usage of food with a banana. “Granted, there’s no 100-percent foolproof way to avoid getting hungry, but we can make a huge difference by ensuring people know the facts: that food can’t be reused once it’s been eaten, that the outer wrapping must be removed first, and that they should always check the expiration date.” Simmons went on to commend the many U.S. schools that offer free meals to students, but warned that they would be ineffective without proper instruction on when and how to eat them.