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Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant

Brita Unveils New In-Throat Water Filters

OAKLAND, CA—Representatives from Brita, the nation’s bestselling brand of household water filtration products, held a press event Wednesday to unveil a new line of filters designed to be installed directly inside users’ throats.

Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

BOSTON—Identifying a significant factor contributing to the development of the mental health disorder, researchers from Harvard Medical School published a groundbreaking study Thursday that reportedly links clinical depression to getting dunked on.
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What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Q: What is the object of Pokémon Go?
A: To collect as much personal data for Nintendo as possible

Q: Where can you play Pokémon Go?
A: In any society in which the problems of day-to-day survival have been adequately solved to allow the concept of unfocused activity, or “leisure,” to develop

Q: What are Pokémon?
A: This is not for you

Q: How do you catch a Pokémon?
A: Spend months building a personal connection before luring it away from its family

Q: What happens after I capture a Pokémon?
A: The Pokémon will emit a deep, mournful moan as it begins to experience an overwhelming longing for freedom

Q: Can you shoot the Pokémon?
A: No

Q: How do you beat the game?
A: The game is won when you have completed all in-app purchases

Q: Where can I catch Onix?
A: Onix can only be found in the Caspian Sea off the coast of Turkmenistan, at coordinates 39°32’48.7”N 51°49’04.1”E

Q: How many Pokémon are there?
A: 151, according to the most recent numbers out of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Q: Is it a better deal to buy 2,500 Pokécoins for $19.99 or 5,200 Pokécoins for $39.99?
A: The DSM-5 classifies internet gaming disorder as a compulsive use of video games that leads to significant issues functioning in society, damage to one’s personal life, and acute withdrawal when separated from the game in question.

Q: Who owns Pokémon Go?
A: Pokémon Go is jointly owned by Nintendo and the remaining descendants of Pikachu

Q: Should I worry about the amount of information that I will expose about myself by using the app?
A: It’s never stopped you before

Q: Is some part of this game’s popularity among adults deeply, indescribably sad?
A: Yes

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