Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid

Top Headlines

Science & Technology

Scientists Develop New Extra-Sloppy Peach

DAVIS, CA—Explaining that the latest strain of the fruit was far softer and runnier than previous varieties, agricultural scientists at the University of California, Davis announced Thursday the successful development of a new extra-sloppy peach.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

The Pros And Cons Of Self-Driving Cars

With Uber’s robot cars debuting this week in Pittsburgh, many wonder whether driverless technology will improve or endanger our lives. The Onion weighs the pros and cons of self-driving cars

How Animals Go Extinct

With an estimated 40 percent of species on earth now considered endangered, many wonder how it’s possible for these animals to be wiped out. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how species go extinct

Horrible Facebook Algorithm Accident Results In Exposure To New Ideas

MENLO PARK, CA—Assuring users that the company’s entire team of engineers was working hard to make sure a glitch like this never happens again, Facebook executives confirmed during a press conference Tuesday that a horrible accident last night involving the website’s algorithm had resulted in thousands of users being exposed to new concepts.

Team Of Vatican Geneticists Successfully Clone God

VATICAN CITY—Describing the groundbreaking work as a major step forward for theological research, a team of Vatican geneticists held a press conference Tuesday at the Apostolic Palace to announce they had successfully cloned God.

Dad Shares Photo Album Through Never-Before-Seen Website

SECAUCUS, NJ—Wondering aloud how the father of three even managed to find the online image-hosting service, family members of local dad Phil Yates told reporters Monday the 57-year-old had shared a photo album with them through a never-before-seen website.

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Factory Robot Working On Some Of Its Own Designs After Hours

NORTH CHARLESTON, SC—Saying it had been mulling over the “fun little side project” for a while, an Electroimpact Quadbot reportedly put in some extra work after hours at the Boeing assembly plant Wednesday to try out a few of its own original designs.

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books

Disney Begins Uploading Obama’s Consciousness To Hall Of Presidents Robot

BAY LAKE, FL—In an effort to provide park visitors with the most true-to-life attraction possible, Walt Disney World officials announced Monday that computer technicians have begun uploading Barack Obama’s consciousness into his animatronic robot likeness at the Magic Kingdom’s Hall of Presidents exhibit.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Subway Breeding Program Successfully Creates Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara Hybrid

A technician examines the hybrid specimen inside Subway’s sandwich breeding facility, where the first miniature 6-inch breeds of subs were originally developed in the late 1960s.
A technician examines the hybrid specimen inside Subway’s sandwich breeding facility, where the first miniature 6-inch breeds of subs were originally developed in the late 1960s.

MILFORD, CT—Announcing the creation of a genetically viable new menu item they said could soon appear in franchises nationwide, researchers with Subway’s sandwich breeding program revealed Thursday they had successfully developed a Black Forest Ham–Meatball Marinara hybrid.

The footlong sub, which company officials say was selectively bred to incorporate the zesty traits of the Meatball Marinara bloodline with the natural smokiness of the Black Forest Ham genus, was unveiled at a press conference at Subway’s main sandwich breeding and husbandry facility within its corporate headquarters.

“It’s taken over six years of genomic research and countless breeding attempts, but I’m happy to report that we’ve produced a robust new offspring from two of our most delicious subs,” said Noah Plattner, director of Subway’s sandwich breeding division, adding that the hybrid was morphologically compatible with any of the chain’s nine bread options. “This was a group effort that required the skills of our professional handlers, technicians, and fertility experts, all of whom worked without rest to produce this perfectly bred combination of succulent ham, fresh vegetables, and tangy marinara sauce.”

“Everyone involved in the creation of S-74G—or the Black Forest Marinara Combo, as it has been dubbed by our team of geneticists—should be extremely proud,” he added.

According to Plattner, the hybrid sandwich began as an attempt to improve the stock of the popular but increasingly inbred Meatball Marinara pedigree by crossbreeding it with a suitable mate. Scientists at the company’s state-of-the-art $200 million breeding laboratory identified the Black Forest Ham as a possible sire due to its heartiness, adaptability, and hereditary cheese layers.

After observing improvements in longevity and succulence over the first several generations of offspring, the research team reportedly decided to ramp up the number of mating sessions per week in the hopes of breeding out a latent sogginess trait and increasing the progeny’s natural tolerance to a wider variety of sauces.

“The results were promising right from the outset—taste-wise, S-74G seemed to take the best attributes of both parents while exhibiting an innate savoriness all its own,” said Plattner, who oversaw the selection of each procreative pair. “Moreover, the hybrid’s physical traits—in particular, its juicy yet cohesive mouthfeel—were found to be highly appealing to customers in our Provo, UT test market, even more so than the subs in its ancestral lineage.”

Added Plattner, “This is a very promising new specimen that I can see being offered alongside our heritage breeds, like the Roast Beef, Cold Cut Combo, and Italian B.M.T., for a long time to come.”

Subway officials went on to note how smoothly the process of crossing the two disparate subgenera had gone, given that the varying windows of fertility for each sandwich breed often cause complications for mating. Company scientists also explained the vital role that the various strains’ temperaments play in the interbreeding process, citing an incident in 2009 when an entire brood of docile Veggie Delite sandwiches were lost after being left unsupervised around a group of much larger and more aggressive Steak & Cheese subs.

In another case illustrating the challenges of sandwich husbandry, Plattner described how researchers had spent months trying to coax the notoriously wary and apprehensive Subway Club and a Spicy Italian to breed naturally before finally resorting to artificial insemination.

“Unfortunately, it’s not uncommon for cross-breeding attempts to show promise at first, only to yield a litter of sickly, undersized offspring,” Plattner said. “But that’s just the nature of our work. Some sandwiches reproduce with no trouble whatsoever, while other times you can mate two fertile, seemingly compatible subs, such as the Turkey Breast and Chicken & Bacon Ranch Melt, and then find out that their progeny is utterly inedible. Frankly, most of the specimens we produce here are too malformed and grotesque to proceed forward with and have to be euthanized.”

“However, sometimes even our mistakes turn out to be happy accidents,” he continued. “The Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki was only created through a mishap in our gene-splicing lab, and never in a million years did we think anyone would want to actually eat it.”


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close