Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure

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Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

Timeline Of Mass Extinction

Scientists predict that human activity has put the world on the brink of the sixth mass extinction in earth’s history, an event characterized by the elimination of a large number of species within a very short period of time. Here is a timeline of extinction events over the planet’s history

Study: Floating Heap Of Trash Now Ocean’s Apex Predator

SANTA BARBARA, CA—Noting that no marine species posed a threat and the total domination of its habitat, a study released Wednesday by researchers at the University of California, Santa Barbara revealed that the floating mass of trash known as the Great Pacific Garbage Patch is now the ocean’s apex predator.

Dementia Study Reveals Fond Memories First To Go

BALTIMORE—Researchers at Johns Hopkins University published a new study this week on the cognitive effects of Alzheimer’s disease and other deteriorative brain disorders, finding conclusive evidence that dementia sufferers’ fondest memories are nearly always the first to go.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.
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FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Black-Backed Jackals Seek Asylum In Wildlife Preserve As Preventative Measure

SKUKUZA, SOUTH AFRICA—Traveling hundreds of miles across the African continent in search of a safe haven, the world’s black-backed jackals began seeking asylum in Kruger National Park as a preventative measure, sources confirmed Friday. “Right now it’s not absolutely necessary for us to find sanctuary on protected land, but we’re hoping to get in early to mitigate some of the future damage,” said a male jackal, one of thousands of his species that have continued to pour into the park this week to join those already living there. “Obviously, we’d really prefer to continue living in our original territory, but we’ve reached the conclusion that it is simply not worth the risk. It’s probably better for all of us to come here now rather than wait 15 years when there are only 10 percent of us left.” At press time, however, other jackals had instead simply lain down to die, as there was no point in delaying the inevitable.