How To File A Patent

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EPA Urges Nation To Develop New Air Source

WASHINGTON—Citing the hazardous levels of carbon dioxide and other pollutants accumulating in the atmosphere, officials from the Environmental Protection Agency urged the nation this week to develop a new air source.

‘Seek Funding’ Step Added To Scientific Method

PARIS—In an effort to modernize the principles and empirical procedures of examining phenomena and advancing humanity’s collective knowledge, the International Council for Science announced Thursday the addition of a “Seek Funding” step to the scientific method.

The Pros And Cons Of Artificial Intelligence

As technology advances to the point where machines have almost human-like capabilities, humanity is left to ponder the consequences involved with either advancing or holding back the field of computer sentience. Here are the pros and cons of artificial intelligence

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

What Smoking A Cigarette Does To The Body

With the FDA recently pulling multiple cigarette brands off the market, the conversation surrounding the harmful effects of smoking has been returning in full force to the national stage. Here is what happens to your body as you smoke a cigarette

Alarming Report Finds Only 6% Of Earth’s Surface Indoors

LAWRENCE, KS—Drawing attention to the distressing prevalence of outside areas on the planet, researchers at the University of Kansas released an alarming report Monday revealing that a mere 6 percent of the Earth’s surface is actually indoors.
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How To File A Patent

In the United States, anyone who believes they have invented something truly unique is welcome to fill out a patent application to protect it, but it’s often a complicated and laborious process. Here are the steps involved in securing a patent:

  • Step 1: First, come up with something really cool, like a cheese grater that works in both directions. Oh shit, don’t steal that one! That’s mine!
  • Step 2: Research the marketplace to find out if your idea is original or if some asshole has already stolen it from you
  • Step 3: Call dibs
  • Step 4: Assess the financial potential of your invention by determining if it can be concisely summed up in a commercial jingle
  • Step 5: Before submitting your application, carefully review patent legal documents, occasionally stopping to nod your head as if you understand what they mean
  • Step 6: Patent and Trademark Office employees all have a good laugh
  • Step 7: Wait one to two decades
  • Step 8: Order several thousand pens with your invention’s name on them
  • Step 9: Come to terms with the fact that your financial future depends on your ability to market your product to people who buy whatever Peyton Manning and anthropomorphic wads of mucus tell them to
  • Step 10: Congratulations! You’re now legally allowed to funnel your life savings into getting your life’s work onto Dollar Tree shelves.
  • Step 11: Spend remainder of bitter, unnaturally truncated life filing lawsuits to protect patent