60-Year-Old Corporate Executive Grotesquely Forms Word ‘Hashtag’

In This Section

senior citizens

New Hobby To Tide Retired Man Over Until Death

WARNER ROBINS, GA—Saying that it should take up an adequate amount of the 67-year-old’s remaining time on earth, sources confirmed Thursday that local retiree Ned McDowell has chosen gardening as the hobby to tide him over until his death.

Family Fears Grandmother Aware Of Her Surroundings

BEDFORD, NH—Acknowledging a look in her eyes that sometimes makes them think she may actually be registering things, the family of local grandmother Janice Humphries expressed anxiety Tuesday that the 93-year-old nursing home resident might be aware...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Customer Service

60-Year-Old Corporate Executive Grotesquely Forms Word ‘Hashtag’

MINNEAPOLIS—Contorting his wrinkled mouth unnaturally in order to produce the vocalization, 60-year-old Vanderweigh Media CEO Robert Flynn reportedly employed his ancient organs of speech at a meeting Wednesday to grotesquely form the word “hashtag.” According to sources, the sexagenarian marketing executive began the hideous utterance by lifting the roof of his mouth slightly and forcing a putrid breath upwards through his ragged vocal cords, as a loose flap of neck skin vibrated in tandem. Observers told reporters that Flynn then mustered what little saliva he could and slid his tongue against the back of his yellowing teeth to articulate the second loathsome syllable. At press time, the ancient executive had dislodged a morsel of phlegm from the back of his throat and was preparing to befoul the conference room with the word “retweet.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More