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Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Grandma In Nursing Home Starts Adorable Little Sexual Relationship

PHOENIX—Saying it was nice to know their grandmother had found a companion to spend time with, the family of Desert Spring Assisted Living Home resident Barbara McGann reported Wednesday that the 78-year-old had begun an adorable little sexual relationship with another of the facility’s residents.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:

Biologists Still No Closer To Discovering How Birds Have Sex

BERKELEY, CA—With not a single scientist having successfully observed the behavior despite extensive ongoing research, the field of biology has made no progress in its understanding of how birds have sex, experts at the University of California told reporters Wednesday.

Sex Ed Vs. Abstinence-Only Education

With many states still defending their right to withhold information on sex from public school curricula, Americans are left to weigh the relative benefits of explicit sexual education programs versus those that teach only abstinence and promote health through celibacy. Here is a side-by-side comparison of what these programs offer:

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale

SHOREWOOD, MN—Citing both having to work early the next morning and several other inconveniences presented by a recent party invitation, local swingers Doug and Tiffany Finsky told reporters Wednesday that there is no way they are driving all the way out to goddamn Oakdale.

FDA Approves Female-Libido-Enhancing Man

WASHINGTON—In an effort to address the needs of women suffering from a lack of sexual desire, the FDA announced Tuesday that it had approved a new female-libido-enhancing man, which is expected to be made available to the general public by year’s end.

Tiger Woods, Lindsey Vonn Blame Breakup On Hectic Sex Lives

JUPITER ISLAND, FL—Explaining that the pressures of their day-to-day commitments had given them no other choice but to end their three-year relationship, golf star Tiger Woods and Olympic skier Lindsey Vonn released a joint statement Wednesday blaming their breakup on their hectic sex lives.
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Indiana Becomes Fourth State To Ban Great Sex

INDIANAPOLIS—Following the lead of Missouri, Oklahoma, and Georgia, the Indiana legislature Tuesday passed “HB 1679: Prohibiting Sexual Intercourse Of An Excessively Pleasurable Nature,” officially becoming the fourth state in the country to outlaw great sex. “Here in Indiana, we have long believed that sexual activity should be brief, unexceptional, and performed in the most perfunctory of ways, and the landmark legislation we sent to the governor today embodies the traditional values that are so deeply ingrained in this state,” said State Senator Mark Messmer in a morning news conference, explaining that any sexual relations in which the participants are mutually satisfied emotionally or physically would result in fines of up to $1,000, depending on how incredible the sex was. “By restricting sexual activity to seven minutes or less and banning all sexual positions within the state aside from the missionary position, this bold new law stands up for the passable, fairly mechanical sex that my fellow Hoosiers and I have long disinterestedly engaged in—and that we will continue to disinterestedly engage in, provided we do so no more than twice per calendar month, as per the legally mandated limit.” Messmer went on to say that he didn’t anticipate any negative effects from the ban as nearly every Indiana resident was already in compliance with the new law.

More from this section

Sex Ed Vs. Abstinence-Only Education

With many states still defending their right to withhold information on sex from public school curricula, Americans are left to weigh the relative benefits of explicit sexual education programs versus those that teach only abstinence and promote health through celibacy. Here is a side-by-side comparison of what these programs offer:

The Pros And Cons Of Legalizing Prostitution

Several global advocacy groups, including the World Health Organization, Amnesty International, and Human Rights Watch, are calling for the decriminalization of prostitution, but many are fighting to keep the practice illegal, citing the moral, ethical, and practical concerns of condoning the sale of sex. Here are the pros and cons of legalizing prostitution:

Local Swingers Not Going To Drive Out To Goddamn Oakdale

SHOREWOOD, MN—Citing both having to work early the next morning and several other inconveniences presented by a recent party invitation, local swingers Doug and Tiffany Finsky told reporters Wednesday that there is no way they are driving all the way out to goddamn Oakdale.

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