Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

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Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednes...

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m.
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Man Basks In Triumphant Glory After Purchases Line Up To Exact Value Of Gift Card

CANTON, MI—Upon being informed by the cashier that his assortment of purchases totaled $49.56, local man Josh Molina triumphantly basked Thursday in the glory of using up nearly the exact value of his $50 Target gift card. “Wow, I thought maybe that Twix bar would nudge me over the limit, but it worked out perfectly, just perfectly,” said Molina, exulting in victory after spending 20 minutes carefully gathering a group of items that would approach $50 and that would then edge even closer to that amount once tax was factored in. “I figured the coffee machine would use up the bulk of my card, and then when I saw some socks I like on sale for $7.99, I just knew the numbers were going to line up. This is beyond amazing.” At press time, Molina had reinserted the now-44-cent gift card into his wallet, where it would remain indefinitely.

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