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Car Buying Tips

Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednes...

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m.

New Linens-N-Shit Opens

MACON, GA—If buyers can't find shit in the right color or size, the crap they need can be located in heaping piles of overstock shit in the warehouse.
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Toddler Just Looking For Sensible Mid-Range Tricycle

HARLAN, KY—Stressing that he doesn’t require anything fancy, local 3-year-old Jacob McCormick told reporters Friday that he is only looking to purchase a sensible mid-range tricycle. “All I need is a safe, reliable trike that can get me around the driveway without tipping over,” said McCormick, adding that he didn’t need bells and whistles like walkie-talkies or motorcycle-revving sound effects, and that he would be just fine with a comfortable seat, sturdy handlebars, and, if possible, a small compartment where he can store one or two action figures. “As long as it has three wheels and can get me from point A to point B on the sidewalk in front of our house, I’ll be satisfied. I don’t want any flashy colors either, so I’d be happy with a simple red or blue tricycle—not pink. Pink is for girls.” At press time, while at Toys “R” Us with his parents, McCormick had decided to splurge on an all-black Lil Rider LED Space Traveler Trike for $79.99 and threw a tantrum when his mother told him he’d have to wait until his birthday a month from now.

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Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednes...

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