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Car Buying Tips

Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednes...

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m.

New Linens-N-Shit Opens

MACON, GA—If buyers can't find shit in the right color or size, the crap they need can be located in heaping piles of overstock shit in the warehouse.
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Entire Shopping Mall Quietly Dreading Whatever Empty Stage Set Up For

ROCHESTER, NY—Rushing to finish their errands and leave the premises as quickly as possible, every patron at the Eastview Mall reported Thursday that they were quietly dreading whatever has been planned for the empty stage erected near the south entrance of the shopping center. “Oh, Christ, why the hell do they need three microphones?” said shopper Dalia Adams, 38, who nervously added that she had spotted a small child in a sequined top hat lurking near the stage. “I don’t even want to know what they plan to do with that huge PA system. And it looks like there’s a lot of room up there for people—maybe a bunch of people—to dance around. If it’s some kind of swing dancing thing, we gotta get out of here right now.” At press time, nearly 2,000 shoppers simultaneously cursed under their breath and headed for the nearest available exit just as a sound check began.

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