adBlockCheck

shopping

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Car Buying Tips

Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednes...

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m.

New Linens-N-Shit Opens

MACON, GA—If buyers can't find shit in the right color or size, the crap they need can be located in heaping piles of overstock shit in the warehouse.
End Of Section
  • More News

Closed Shop In Gentrifying Neighborhood To Emerge From Chrysalis As Beautiful Gastropub

BROOKLYN, NY—Six months after going out of business as Sherelle’s Salon, a closed storefront in the rapidly gentrifying neighborhood of Crown Heights was on the verge of emerging from its chrysalis as a beautiful gastropub, sources confirmed Tuesday. “It’s so exciting to watch the transformation—I’ve been peeking through the papered-over windows, and bit by bit you can see a cute little spot for creative comfort food taking shape,” said neighborhood resident Jessica Tasker, who since moving into a nearby renovated condominium has eagerly observed several businesses at different stages of metamorphosis. “I think I can see a bit of the open kitchen forming. It’s amazing to think that in just a few weeks, it’ll develop a full wood-fired oven for its peasant flatbread pizzas. Oh look, that must be a cask of small-batch whiskey! It won’t be long now.” At press time, the gorgeous gastropub had fully broken free from its casing, and there was at least a 90-minute wait to see it.

More from this section

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close