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Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Car Buying Tips

Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:

Scout Returns With News Of Quicker Checkout Line To The East

SALINAS, CA—After venturing forth into the vast, unexplored territory beyond the battery display, a scout is said to have returned from the farthest reaches of the Safeway cashier lanes with word of a quicker checkout line to the east, sources confi...

Mom Gathers Rolls Of Wrapping Paper Around Her To Stroke Softly

‘Not Much Longer, My Pets’

OAKWOOD, OH—Tenderly cooing as she basked in the comforting sight of snowman, Santa, and Christmas tree patterns, local mother Melissa Weaver surrounded herself with a dozen rolls of wrapping paper to softly stroke, sources confirmed Friday.

Online Shopping vs. In-Store Shopping

While brick-and-mortar stores like Walmart and Target are advertising door-buster deals to get consumers in their aisles on Black Friday, many Americans are opting to take advantage of the ease and product variety of online shopping.

Wrong Turn Finds Man On Poor Side Of Mall

NORTH ATTLEBORO, MA—Growing increasingly wary as he walked by several empty storefronts and a cluster of nonfunctional coin-operated rides, local insurance broker David Houghton reportedly had taken a wrong turn at Garden City Shopping Center Wednes...

Black Friday Deals

Retailers are planning to open earlier than ever this Thanksgiving holiday, with many national department stores opening their doors by 8 p.m.
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How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

  • Extend Prime free trial to 31 days

  • Walk into random businesses, point at the manager, and say “You, out”

  • Open a theme park where Amazon fans can ride the Mozart In The Jungle Super Safari and walk through the Haunted High Castle

  • Fake out Walmart by opening a couple of brick-and-mortar mega-stores in the Midwest

  • Absolutely pulverize every goddamn dog walking service in the world

  • Win new customers by promising same-minute delivery on all items within chucking distance of distribution centers

  • Dramatically relax standards of what constitutes “fair condition” in used paperbacks

  • Break into the lucrative extortion industry with a fleet of drone thugs

  • Improve voice commands on Alexa to make it easier to order $100 worth of trash bags by accident

  • Start treating workers even more like shit

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Car Buying Tips

Buying a car is a huge financial investment, and it’s important to make sure you’ve taken the right steps to finding the most affordable and convenient vehicle for you. Here are some tips for picking out and purchasing a car:

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