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Small Town Beginning To Wonder What Taking Heroin Epidemic So Long To Get There

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Town Of Davenport, Iowa Descends Into Hell Following Gay Marriage Ceremony

FORMER DAVENPORT, IA—Immediately following the performance of a same-sex marriage ceremony Sunday afternoon at Holy Christ Almighty Lutheran Church on Lincoln Avenue, the city of Davenport, IA and all 99,685 of its residents were reportedly smitten into oblivion by the merciless wrath of God and flung into the deepest bowels of eternal hell.

Area Man Passionate Defender Of What He Imagines Constitution To Be

ESCONDIDO, CA—Provoked by a presidential administration he believes is guilty of numerous transgressions, self-described American patriot Kyle Mortensen, 47, has become a vehement defender of ideas he seems to think are enshrined in the U.S. Constitution and principles that brave men have fought and died for solely in his head.

Town Proud Of Water Tower

RICE, MN—Local residents reported Monday that the 157-foot-tall water tower in the center of town was the finest water storage structure in...

Local Bar Comes Out As Gay

SEATTLE—"Once I saw two guys kissing in the bathroom, but I thought they were just drunk. Now it makes perfect sense, though," resident Frank Klein said.

Area Man Makes It Through Day

SCHAUMBURG, IL—Besieged on all sides by such opponents as suburban conformity, inner emptiness, and virus laden spam e-mail, Adam Blume managed to survive another 24 hours.

Sports Unable To Heal Small Town Following Tragedy

MILL RUN, PA—In a town where residents are still in shock over last Sunday's brutal mass slaying, in which a mentally disturbed man shot 17 men, women, and children in Main Street's St. John The Baptist Church before turning his shotgun on...

Area Man's Quirky Hobby Kills 27

NIPPERSINK, MI—Friends and neighbors of Matthew Malbert could hardly believe their eyes when they learned of this local character's offbeat pastime.

There's A Nude Sheriff In Town

Howdy, pardners. The name's Gunderson. Sheriff Bill Gunderson. You might remember me from the unattirin' at Black Gulch or the full moon at high...

What This Town Needs Is A Child In A Well

It seems like every house in this town has a fence, every door a lock. Our next-door neighbors have become strangers. We've lost touch with our friends. Our community's streets are safer than ever, but its residents have become isolated. We desperately need something to strengthen the common bonds that have weakened over time. If you ask me, what this town needs is a child in a well.

What This Town Needs Is A Really Shitty Community Newspaper

Here in Park Hills, we get The Duluth News-Tribune, just like people do all over the greater Duluth area. But while that major daily does a perfectly adequate job keeping the people of Park Hills in touch with the goings-on of the city at large, it doesn't speak directly to our own local community.

White Family Moves To Town

GLENCOE, IL—Shock, outrage and fear were just some of the emotions that failed to sweep through this affluent Chicago suburb Monday, when word got out among residents that a white family had moved to town over the weekend.

Man With Shirt Off Terrifies Community

MIDFORD, OHIO—Downtown Midford was rocked with terror yesterday when a man with his shirt off casually lounged in the sun, causing panic in the streets and striking desperate fear into the hearts of the town's citizenry.
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Small Town Beginning To Wonder What Taking Heroin Epidemic So Long To Get There

BOSWELL, IN—Saying they figured their community’s mix of high unemployment and low economic mobility would make it a prime target for the drug problem devastating similar small towns throughout the nation, residents of Boswell, IN reportedly wondered aloud Friday what was taking the heroin epidemic so long to get there. “I keep hearing about how small, economically depressed cities all over the country have been succumbing to the flood of cheap heroin, and given the state of things here, it just seems like we really should be looking on helplessly as our neighbors turn to lives of hard drug use,” said Boswell native Kathryn Witte, echoing the sentiments of her 770 fellow residents who argued that, with the town’s rural location and lack of entertainment options, Boswell should be awash in overdoses and drug-related crime by now. “Our population’s shrinking, most of the old jobs are gone, and we keep falling further and further behind the modern economy—you’d think there’d be hundreds of desperate people here just looking for an easy escape. But for whatever reason, it just hasn’t hit yet. Huh.” In contrast to the late-arriving heroin epidemic, Witte added that the town had been far ahead of the trend when it came to the spike in the local suicide rate.

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