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Facebook’s Plans For The Future

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Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

Guide To Building Your Personal Brand

With the internet becoming more central to people’s personal and professional lives, it’s more important than ever for individuals to build a “personal brand” that markets themselves to the online community. Here are some tips for cultivating a personal brand

Woman Celebrates 4th Year Of Weaning Self Off Facebook

PITTSBURGH—Renewing her intention to cut back a little and only log onto the social network a few times a week at most, area woman Kathy Ward reportedly celebrated her fourth anniversary Tuesday of weaning herself off Facebook.

Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid.

How Twitter Is Trying To Retain Users

Twitter’s stock price has fallen in recent months amid growing concerns that the microblogging site is losing steam among users and having trouble finding a mainstream audience.

Highlights From SXSW Interactive

The interactive portion of the South by Southwest festival concluded yesterday in Austin, TX. Here is a look back at the top moments from this year’s event

10 Years Of Facebook

Facebook, which is now valued at $130 billion and boasts 1.2 billion monthly users, was launched 10 years ago Tuesday by Mark Zuckerberg in a Harvard dorm room.
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Nightlife

Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Healthy Living

Facebook’s Plans For The Future

From instant articles to live video, Facebook continues to look for new ways to expand its reach and offerings. Here are some plans on the horizon for the social media giant:

  • Global initiative to provide internet service to those countries currently lacking access to news of Michelle’s engagement
  • Autoplaying videos 250 percent louder
  • Updated customization options will allow authoritarian regimes to choose the level of free speech that’s right for them
  • Virtual reality platform will allow users to more immersively experience their barrage of notifications that friends are attending events nearby
  • Users required to inform Facebook of any third-party apps they have downloaded so as to ensure they are promptly acquired by Facebook
  • Continuing to scour dystopian novels for innovative business strategies
  • Probably overdue for another frustrating goddamn redesign
  • New default privacy setting of “none”

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