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Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices

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Facebook Clarifies Site Not Intended To Be Users’ Primary Information Source

‘No One Should Really Be On Here More Than 15 Minutes A Day,’ Say Executives

MENLO PARK, CA—Addressing concerns about the site’s alleged bias in how it displays news stories in users’ feeds, Facebook executives held a press conference Thursday to clarify that the social network was not intended to serve as anyone’s primary source of information, and that its 1.6 billion active users should, at most, be spending 15 minutes on the platform in a given day in the first place.

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Twitter Announces There No Trending Topics Today

‘Maybe Something Will Catch On Tomorrow,’ Social Network Says

SAN FRANCISCO—Noting the lack of any social causes, amusing hashtag games, or major news stories currently stimulating public conversations on their site, Twitter officials announced Monday that there are no trending topics today, but suggested that perhaps something might catch on tomorrow.

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Woman Celebrates 4th Year Of Weaning Self Off Facebook

PITTSBURGH—Renewing her intention to cut back a little and only log onto the social network a few times a week at most, area woman Kathy Ward reportedly celebrated her fourth anniversary Tuesday of weaning herself off Facebook.

Area Facebook User Incredibly Stupid

DOYLESTOWN, PA—Describing him as frequently frustrated and overwhelmed, sources confirmed Monday that local Facebook user Michael Huffman is incredibly stupid.

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Twitter’s stock price has fallen in recent months amid growing concerns that the microblogging site is losing steam among users and having trouble finding a mainstream audience.

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Woman Who Doesn’t Use Facebook Completely Out Of Touch With Friends’ Prejudices

SACRAMENTO, CA—Admitting that her lack of a Facebook account often leaves her feeling disconnected, local woman Laura Starling confirmed Wednesday that she’s entirely out of touch with her friends’ prejudices. “I never got around to joining Facebook, so I’m basically in the dark about what kind of narrow-minded opinions my old classmates and former coworkers have these days,” said Starling, who added that, because she never logs into the popular social media site, it has grown increasingly difficult in recent years to keep up with her longtime acquaintances’ heated knee-jerk responses to events in the world that reveal their intolerant viewpoints and irrational biases. “It’d be nice to know which of my friends hold grudges against which minority groups, and who condescendingly writes off every police officer or gun owner in the country. Maybe I should sign up just so I’m not left out whenever someone has a big announcement about which race, religion, or political party is destroying the country.” At press time, Starling had reportedly decided to skip joining Facebook and just catch up with her old college roommate’s prejudices over the phone.

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