NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

This Obviously Aliens’ First Abduction

HOMEDALE, ID—Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 41, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first.

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...

Moon Finally Hatches

WASHINGTON—Several weeks after discovering unusual fissures on the lunar surface, astronomers confirmed today that the fracturing of the moon had begun to rapidly accelerate.
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NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit. “Launch and deployment went smoothly, and now our Wireless 1 craft appears to be operating and communicating nominally without the aid of a standard 22,000-mile satellite cable,” said Joint Agency Satellite Division director Sandra Smalley, explaining that, for the first time ever, a NASA satellite has been able to maintain contact with crew on the ground without remaining directly plugged into a computer and energy source at its launchpad. “We’ve come a long way since 1958, back when our satellites could only complete one or two orbits before their cords got wrapped around the earth and they plummeted back down to the ground. Now, with this revolutionary new technology, we actually have the potential to completely eliminate the labor-intensive task of untangling satellites whose cables have crossed paths and become tied in knots.” If successful, Smalley said the advances in cordless technology should be transferrable to the agency’s space probes as well, freeing NASA from having to continuously unspool billions of miles of wire as it has been doing for decades with Voyager 1 and 2.

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