Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

Top Headlines


What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen. “Look, nitrogen is a pretty stable element that’s fairly inert, so we’re ready to just come out and say that’s probably what makes up about 85 percent of the matter in our universe and finally move on,” said Dr. Louis Marshall at a morning press conference, adding that, after spending millions of dollars and countless hours over the past eight decades trying to solve its mysteries, scientists are “completely fucking finished” with the astronomical phenomenon. “It’s a nice odorless gas that’s plentiful in our atmosphere and our galaxy, and that’s good enough for us. So there, we figured it out. Any questions?” Before walking away from the lectern, an exhausted Marshall added that dark energy was gravity and that the formula for a grand unified theory was E=10.