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Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

SpaceX’s Plan To Colonize Mars

SpaceX founder Elon Musk continues to lay the groundwork to attempt the human colonization of Mars. Here’s a step-by-step guide to his plan:

NASA Discovers Distant Planet Located Outside Funding Capabilities

WASHINGTON—Noting that the celestial body lies within the habitable zone of its parent star and could potentially harbor liquid water, NASA officials announced at a press conference Thursday they have discovered an Earth-like planet located outside their funding capabilities.

‘DSM-5’ Updated To Accommodate Man Who Is Legitimately Being Ordered To Kill By The Moon

ARLINGTON, VA—Saying they were committed to ensuring the influential reference text accurately represented all known psychological conditions, leading members of the American Psychiatric Association announced Monday they would update the Diagnostic And Statistical Manual Of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition to accommodate a man who is legitimately being ordered by the moon to kill those around him.

NASA Launches First Cordless Satellite

CAPE CANAVERAL, FL—In what experts are calling a breakthrough achievement that is poised to revolutionize American space exploration and telecommunications, NASA announced Friday it has successfully launched its first cordless satellite into orbit.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

This Obviously Aliens’ First Abduction

HOMEDALE, ID—Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 41, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first.

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

What We’ve Learned About Pluto

Nearly 10 years after its launch, the New Horizons space probe made a flyby 7,750 miles from Pluto, marking the first time in history a spacecraft has examined the dwarf planet up close, and NASA has begun to release data and images transmitted from the approach. Here’s what we’ve learned about Pluto so far

NASA Announces Bold Plan To Still Exist By 2045

WASHINGTON—In what is being described as the most ambitious mission ever undertaken in the space agency’s history, NASA officials announced at a press conference Tuesday their bold new plan to still exist by 2045.

Conservationists Attempting To Get Head Start On Mars

WASHINGTON—Fearing that any further delay might prevent their movement from having any meaningful impact, a consortium of leading conservationists confirmed Wednesday it is attempting to get a head start on preserving the planet Mars. The newly form...
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NASA Designs Suit Capable Of Protecting Humans Hoping To One Day Live On Earth

According to NASA, this suit could allow human beings to safely walk on the surface of the Earth for short periods of time in an environment that would otherwise kill them in seconds.
According to NASA, this suit could allow human beings to safely walk on the surface of the Earth for short periods of time in an environment that would otherwise kill them in seconds.

WASHINGTON—Saying the groundbreaking new technology could allow humans to withstand the harsh conditions they will experience on the planet’s surface, NASA confirmed Tuesday that it has created a climate-controlled suit capable of protecting people who hope to one day live on Earth.

Agency officials told reporters that the suit, which they have named the Terrestrial Mobility Unit, is specifically engineered to keep humans safe from the extreme temperatures and unbreathable atmosphere found on Earth, increasing the possibility that, decades from now, they may be able to inhabit the dangerous planet.

“Our team has finally created a functional, reliable space suit that humans may someday use to survive the punishing environment they encounter on Earth,” said NASA senior research scientist Catherine Seltzer, who spearheaded the 12-year, $180 million project and helped devise the unique polymers that allow the suit to endure a nonstop bombardment of intense ultraviolet radiation. “From the devastating storm systems sweeping the planet to the many toxic gases filling its atmosphere, Earth will be hostile to human life. But with the Terrestrial Mobility Unit, a person may actually be able to walk safely across its surface.”

“As incredible as it sounds, we might even have a permanent human settlement on Earth 100 years from now,” she added.

According to NASA, the suit contains a state-of-the-art environmental control system that uses water vaporization to cool the wearer in the midst of scorching temperatures and that filters out poisonous levels of carbon dioxide to maintain oxygen supplies, allowing a person to survive for extended periods of time in the Earth’s unforgiving terrestrial climate. In addition, an impenetrable semirigid fiber has reportedly been incorporated into the suit as protection against an atmosphere expected to be ridden with dense particulate matter, including an unknown number of highly lethal toxins.

“Even the slightest contact with the Earth’s atmosphere will quickly prove fatal, so we’ve taken every conceivable precaution,” said NASA engineer James Mullen, explaining that computer simulations showed that unprotected humans exposed to the planet’s sun for any amount of time would immediately suffer fourth-degree burns all over their bodies. “The suit has even been specially fortified with a new high-density polymer-metal composite that can act as a defense in the event of extreme weather events such as acid rain downpours, continent-spanning dust storms, and clusters of Category 5 hurricanes, any one of which can occur at any time, without warning, and last for years.”

Mullen went on to say that even a tiny pinprick in the Terrestrial Mobility Unit would cause its wearer to die a horrific death, though there remains debate as to what would kill the person first—extreme temperature, asphyxiation from low oxygen, or the planet’s wildly fluctuating air pressure, which would either boil off a human’s blood or simply crush him or her flat.

Despite the substantial protections afforded by the suit, NASA officials were quick to point out that even while wearing it, no human could remain on the Earth’s surface for more than three or four hours before having to retreat to a titanium-reinforced bunker hundreds of feet underground.

“The truth is, we won’t know just how the suit will respond to being on Earth until we take those first brave steps 50 or 60 years from now,” Mullen said. “We can run all the tests we want, but at the end of the day we’ll be placing actual human beings on a highly unstable planet with an environment that is extremely unsafe, not just for us, but for all carbon-based life.”

“All we can do right now is to continue upgrading our design and hope for the best,” he added.

A NASA spokesperson confirmed that excitement for the project has resulted in an accelerated production schedule that could conceivably allow thousands of human beings to be living on Earth by 2075.

More from this section

This Obviously Aliens’ First Abduction

HOMEDALE, ID—Citing the beings’ conspicuous lack of proficiency at even the most basic tasks and their general air of confusion, local man Travis Porter, 41, reported that his abduction Wednesday night was clearly the aliens’ first.

Astronomers Just Going To Go Ahead And Say Dark Matter Nitrogen

‘Fuck It, We’re Done,’ Say Scientists

WASHINGTON—Declaring that this is the last time they ever hope to speak of the aggravatingly enigmatic substance, astronomers from NASA announced Thursday that they are just going to go ahead and say that dark matter is nitrogen.

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