adBlockCheck

Broncos Follow Super Bowl Parade Route Through Treacherous Rocky Mountain Pass

Top Headlines

Sports

Entire Broncos Organization Announces Retirement After Super Bowl Win

‘There’s Nothing Better Than Going Out On Top,’ Says Every Denver Player, Coach, Executive, Trainer, Office Administrator, Janitor

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following the team’s 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, every single member of the Denver Broncos organization officially announced their retirement Sunday.

Family, Friends Concerned After Peyton Manning Wanders Away From Pocket

SANTA CLARA, CA—Admitting to being “worried sick” after realizing he had suddenly disappeared in the middle of a play, family and friends of Peyton Manning grew incredibly concerned Sunday after the veteran Denver Broncos quarterback wandered away from the pocket during the first quarter of Super Bowl 50, sources confirmed.

NFL Vows To Fix Bottomless Pit On Levi’s Stadium Field Before Super Bowl

SANTA CLARA, CA—Following persistent safety concerns regarding the playing surface throughout the regular season, the NFL made firm assurances Friday to both the Denver Broncos and Carolina Panthers that the bottomless pit in the middle of the field at Levi’s Stadium will be fully repaired before Super Bowl 50.

Area Man Would Hate Cam Newton Even If He Was Different Minority

MURRAY, KY—Adamantly stressing that his disdain for the 26-year-old quarterback is not based on any racial prejudice toward African Americans, local 49-year-old Michael Willet told reporters Friday that he would hate Cam Newton even if the Carolina Panthers star was a different minority.

Rex, Rob Ryan Finally Get Bunk Beds They Always Wanted

BUFFALO, NY—Howling with excitement after seeing the brand-new furniture set in the corner of the bedroom they now share, Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan and his twin brother, recently hired Bills assistant head coach Rob Ryan, finally got the bunk beds they always wanted, sources confirmed Monday.

NCAA Investigating God For Giving Gifts To Athletes

INDIANAPOLIS—Amid a new scandal that many are already calling the most damaging in the history of collegiate sports, the NCAA announced Tuesday that it has launched an investigation into God, Divine Creator of Heaven and Earth, for allegedly giving gifts to student-athletes.

Defunct 4-Year-Old Sports Blog Still Lurking On Internet

FORT COLLINS, CO—Noting that the site devoted to the Colorado Rockies and their minor league affiliates had long ceased being updated without any explanation, sources confirmed Friday that local man Ben Gutowski’s defunct four-year-old sports blog, “The Rockies Report,” was still quietly lurking on the internet.

BCS Computer Takes Over Every Screen In Country During College Football National Championship Game

‘BCS Will Live Forever,’ Reads Text Suddenly Appearing On All Televisions, Computers, Phones Simultaneously

GLENDALE, AZ—Noting that all television feeds and online streams suddenly cut out simultaneously, sources confirmed that the BCS computer took over every single screen in the United States midway through Monday evening’s College Football Playoff National Championship Game between Alabama and Clemson.

Grizzly Bear Catches Spawning Michael Phelps In Jaws

KENAI, AK—Sitting on a rock atop the powerful, churning rapids, a grizzly bear reportedly caught Michael Phelps in its jaws Tuesday as the sexually mature Olympian leaped out of the water while swimming upstream to spawn.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Streaming

Originality

Broncos Follow Super Bowl Parade Route Through Treacherous Rocky Mountain Pass

ESTES PARK, CO—Following their 24-10 victory over the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl 50, the Denver Broncos held a championship parade Tuesday through an icy and treacherous stretch of the Rocky Mountains.

The parade, which commenced at Wynkoop Street in downtown Denver and is scheduled to culminate at the 14,440-foot-high summit of Mount Elbert, reportedly attempted to traverse a perilous route along jagged and snow-covered mountain terrain, facing blizzard-like conditions and temperatures that dropped as low as 40 degrees below freezing.

“Super Bowl champs, baby!” linebacker and Super Bowl 50 MVP Von Miller screamed from an open-top bus at the head of the parade, his teeth chattering uncontrollably as he wiped frost rapidly accumulating around his nose and mouth. “Broncos nation!”

“We shocked the world!” Miller continued as he huddled with several teammates for warmth. “We’re number one!”

The rally officially began at noon, with a 15-vehicle motorcade of Broncos-themed parade floats, flatbed trucks, and convertible sports cars only stopping briefly to refill supplies at a base camp in the Rocky Mountains’ Front Range.

“I loved watching this team all season, and I never had any doubt that we would beat Carolina,” said 54-year-old Colorado Springs resident Nick Kirrane, one of an estimated 200,000 Broncos fans who attempted the dangerous climb to greet the Super Bowl 50 champions. “There’s no way I wasn’t going to be here today. I took the day off work, grabbed my climbing harness and ice ax, and started my 14-hour ascent so I could camp out and get a good view of the players.”

According to reports, players and coaches jubilantly waved Broncos towels and danced to music playing through speakers affixed to parade floats, though the songs became difficult to hear through 60-mile-per-hour winds, and occasional bursts of blue-and-orange confetti were virtually impossible to see due to poor visibility created by ground-level fog. Sources also confirmed that a large marching band and two dozen Broncos cheerleaders accompanied the motorcade on foot, delaying the progress of the parade significantly as they slowly trudged through roughly five feet of snow.

Members of the team—many of whom were accompanied by their severely frostbitten wives and small children—reportedly took turns triumphantly hoisting the Lombardi Trophy into the air, however several players were unable to maintain their grip after losing the feeling in their fingers.

“Every one of these guys worked his tail off all year, and I can’t tell you how proud I am of this football team,” said Broncos head coach Gary Kubiak, who wrapped himself in numerous “Super Bowl 50 Champions” flags in an effort to keep his body temperature up and stave off the effects of hypothermia. “With the talent and the desire on this squad, there’s no reason we can’t win back-to-back championships. The goal—once we cross that nine-foot crevasse in the ice and safely get down the mountain—is to do it again next season.”

“Honestly, though, winning the Super Bowl still feels pretty surreal,” added Kubiak. “I don’t think it really sunk in for me until I held up the Lombardi Trophy at the top of Pikes Peak.”

As the parade continued, conditions on the ground were said to have worsened considerably, with temperatures plummeting and air growing thinner as the Broncos reached 13,000 feet of elevation.

At 3:36 p.m., sources confirmed that a large avalanche hit Mount Lincoln, cutting off the Broncos’ original parade route and leaving the Super Bowl 50 champions with no choice but to take an alternate path via a steep, narrow ridge along the mountainside. The situation was reported to have grown even more serious once offensive coordinator Rick Dennison realized that the team had depleted their supply of oxygen tanks.

“We have to reach the campsite before sundown, otherwise we won’t last through the night,” said Broncos quarterback and two-time Super Bowl champion Peyton Manning, rocking back and forth in the fetal position as he violently shivered. “We have to keep moving. We only have three, maybe four more hours of daylight left. Please, God, see us through this.”

“How ’bout them Broncos!” added Manning, his eyes slowly rolling back in his head. “How ’bout them...Broncos….”

At press time, Broncos general manager John Elway sadly confirmed that the team was forced to leave the body of Aqib Talib in the mountains after the 29-year-old cornerback froze to death.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close