Report: Some Dumb Fuck Out There Probably Wants His City To Host Olympics Now

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Report: Some Dumb Fuck Out There Probably Wants His City To Host Olympics Now

WASHINGTON—Noting that the two-week spectacle had likely stirred up a newfound passion and enthusiasm for the Games, reports confirmed Monday that some dumb fuck out there probably wants his city to host the Olympics now. “There’s an overwhelming likelihood that there’s a dipshit somewhere who, after watching the Rio Games, thinks hosting the Olympics would be a great way to show off everything great about whatever fucking city he lives in,” one report read in part, which also noted that in addition to believing the Olympics would generate some buzz about his hometown, the total shit-for-brains must think the Games would also provide a much-needed boost to the local economy. “At least one dope out there is really excited by the idea of hosting thousands of athletes and fans while being the center of the sports world for two weeks. You know he’s just dying to attend an opening ceremony celebrating the rich history of Kansas City or Houston. Fucking idiot.” The report added that the goddamn moron probably also believes hosting the Olympics would be a great reason to build a new stadium for his city’s NFL team.

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