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Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?
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NFL To Curb Excessive Celebrations By Removing Areas Of Players’ Brains Responsible For Emotions

NEW YORK—Stressing that the league will take a hard-line stance when enforcing its policy for on-field conduct, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced plans Thursday to curb any prolonged or excessive touchdown celebrations by removing the areas of players’ brains responsible for emotions. “In order to prevent any future incidents of unsportsmanlike behavior, we will be forcing every player to undergo a roughly 14-hour surgical procedure that will remove all parts of the cerebrum that correspond to experiencing feelings of any kind,” said Goodell, adding that in order to comply with rules regarding acceptable celebrations, players will no longer be permitted to possess the amygdala, hippocampus, prefrontal cortex, hypothalamus, or cingulate gyrus in their limbic systems beginning in week 15 of the regular season. “We’re confident that by surgically excising the neurological structures that allow players to feel joy, excitement, relief, pleasure, or any other emotion, our athletes will conduct themselves properly and represent their teams, the league, and the sport of football in the best manner possible.” At press time, the Pittsburgh Steelers confirmed that due to a serious surgical complication, star wide receiver Antonio Brown has been left in a permanent vegetative state.

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