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Dad Thinks Son Has What It Takes To Become Embittered Alcoholic Minor League Journeyman

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Kevin Durant Wins Gold In Men’s Individual Basketball

RIO DE JANEIRO—Beating out Serbian Nikola Jokic by .87 points in order to claim the all-around title, U.S. forward Kevin Durant won Olympic gold Friday in men’s individual basketball, becoming the first man to win consecutive golds in the competition since Gary Payton at the 1996 and 2000 Games.

Michael Phelps Spots Estranged Father Poseidon In Stands

RIO DE JANEIRO—Immediately recognizing the booming, thunderous voice he hadn’t heard since he was 5 years old as he warmed up ahead of his first heat in the 200-meter individual medley, U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps reportedly spotted his long-estranged father, Poseidon, God of the Sea, cheering for him Thursday in the stands of the Olympic Aquatics Stadium.
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Dad Thinks Son Has What It Takes To Become Embittered Alcoholic Minor League Journeyman

NORMAN, OK—Watching the 11-year-old play shortstop for his Little League team, local father Mark Garrett reported Wednesday that he thinks his son, Nathan, has what it takes to become an embittered alcoholic journeyman in the minor leagues. “If he keeps working hard every day, I know Nathan has the talent to spend a few years bouncing around farm system teams while gradually developing a serious drinking problem,” said Garrett, adding that his son clearly has the arm strength and raw athleticism to spend half a decade growing increasingly bitter and self-destructive as he plays in front of only a few hundred spectators every game. “There’s no doubt in my mind that he could get all the way to Triple-A, screw up his shoulder, and drink away the rest of his life while resenting every choice he ever made. I just need to stay on top of him to make sure he gets there.” Garrett added that with enough determination, his son might eventually even grow estranged from his family before he turns 30.

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