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Stephen Hawking Reportedly Working On Juicy Tell-All Formula

CAMBRIDGE, UNITED KINGDOM—Suggesting that the revelatory new work would “completely shake things up” and “get everyone talking,” Cambridge University sources close to Stephen Hawking reported Thursday that the world-renowned theoretical physicist and cosmologist was working on a new juicy tell-all formula. “Be prepared to be wowed, because at long last, Stephen is ready to reveal every last detail,” said publicist Anne Lemont, who added that Hawking’s eye-popping and wide-ranging new mathematical model would spare nothing and would be written “in a way only Stephen Hawking can.” “Everyone’s deepest, most burning questions—including many questions people didn’t even think to ask—will be answered in this absolutely jaw-dropping new equation. It’s going to blow the lid off of everything, and I mean everything.” Lemont went on to state that, in advance of publishing the entire formula, the physicist would be releasing a single line of the equation hinting at a hidden unification of the strong and weak nuclear forces that he promises “will blow everyone’s fucking minds.”

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