Being A Better Neighbor

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suburbs

Local Boy Trapped In Family

HARRISONBURG, VA—"We're doing all we can," said Lt. Barnes, who coordinated efforts to replace the retarded hand-me-down parka that once belonged to the boy's brother.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Area Man

This Great Song, Bar Sources Report

TOMAH, WI—Pausing their conversations momentarily to call attention to the music playing on the establishment’s jukebox, sources at local bar Shepherd’s confirmed to reporters Friday that this is a great song.

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Being A Better Neighbor

In the suburban environment, tensions can build over something as simple as an unraked lawn. Here are some ways you can keep the peace with your neighbors:

  • If you’re a smoker, make an effort to throw the butts into a single, easy-to-clean pile over the fence.
  • Kill chickens only as necessary and never in the front yard.
  • If there aren't many homeless people in your neighborhood, take some time to sort out the recycling yourself.
  • When rocking out on weekends, stick to professionally vetted greatest hits collections.
  • If a neighbor asks to borrow some sugar, absolutely refuse. His health should be your No. 1 concern.
  • Whenever enjoying your back or front yard, be sure to do so in some nice, tasteful pleated slacks.
  • Are you fucking kidding me with three dogs? What is this, West Virginia? You'll have to euthanize one.