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Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

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New Subway Promotion To Honor Subtember 11

MILFORD, CT—Citing a wide range of deals customers will “never forget,” fast food chain Subway announced an exciting new promotion this week to honor and commemorate Subtember 11.

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MURRAY, UT—Ken Jennings, who rose to mid-level fame by winning a record $2.5 million on Jeopardy last year, was erroneously identified as Subway restaurant pitchman Jared Fogle again Monday. "Today a woman at the post office came up and congratulated me for losing all that weight," Jennings said. "That happens all the time. I guess people recognize me from television, but mix up where they saw me." Jennings added that he usually tries to inform people of their mistake in the form of a question: "What is your problem?"
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Heroic Police Officer Talks Man Down From Edge Of Purchasing Subway Footlong Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki

CLEVELAND—Rushing into action as a horrified crowd of onlookers gathered, heroic police officer Craig Stanton reportedly talked a man down Thursday from the edge of purchasing a footlong Subway Sweet Onion Chicken Teriyaki sandwich. “Listen, you don’t have to do this—you have so much more to live for,” said the officer, who throughout the tense 45-minute standoff repeatedly urged the man to step away from the Subway cashier before making a rash decision. “It’s not too late. Put down the sandwich and walk away. Think about your family and friends. There are people out there who love you. They don’t want this for you. Don’t put yourself or them through this hell.” Authorities said they were pleased with the negotiation’s outcome, particularly in light of a tragic and grisly incident last week when they arrived moments too late to prevent a woman from ingesting an entire Subway Meatball Marinara Salad.

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