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Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.
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Rookie Justice Gorsuch Assigned To Supreme Court Overnight Shift

WASHINGTON—Presiding over the dimly lit chamber during the small hours of the morning, newly sworn-in justice Neil Gorsuch was reportedly forced Tuesday to work the Supreme Court overnight shift. “It’s pretty boring, and it sucks that it’s so late, but [Justice] Anthony [Kennedy] told me that doing the graveyard shift is just a rite of passage rookies like me have gone through since pretty much the beginning of the judicial branch,” said Gorsuch, adding that so far things had been fairly uneventful except for a few “kind of weird” interstate commerce cases. “There’s honestly not that much to do besides just keeping an eye on the place and dealing with whoever straggles in at 2 a.m. to file an amicus brief. Luckily, you can pretty much just read a book most of the time, and I’ve got a little portable radio to keep me company when things are really dead. Still, I’m hoping this is just for a few months before they transfer me to a normal shift.” At press time, Gorsuch was reportedly attempting to rouse a heavily intoxicated assistant solicitor general who had passed out in the back of the courtroom.

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