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Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.

Grasshopper Dismembered By Future Supreme Court Justice

CASTLE ROCK, CO—Nearly 45 years before he is to be appointed to the Supreme Court by the 51st president of the United States, Lucas Bevins, 8, reportedly spent Thursday afternoon ripping the legs and antennae off of a grasshopper he found in his bac...
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Ruth Bader Ginsburg Debating Whether To Cancel Winter Vacation Climbing K2

WASHINGTON—Admitting that it might be nice to just relax and take it easy over the next several weeks, Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, 83, was reportedly debating Friday whether to cancel her upcoming winter vacation plans to scale the world’s second-highest mountain, K2. “Maybe it’s wiser not to go, since the weather is supposed to be pretty bad up there this time of the year—although I have always wanted to summit K2 without any supplemental oxygen, and these upcoming weeks seem like the perfect occasion,” said the liberal-leaning 23-year veteran of the nation’s highest court, who later added that she might just take a slightly less strenuous route than the notoriously difficult South Face for her ascent of the 28,251-foot peak instead. “If I still want to do something in the mountains, I could always go heli-skiing up in the Monashees. Though getting out on the water sounds good too, so maybe some cave diving would be nice. Or should I finally take a trip to Yosemite and do that free-solo climb of El Capitan I’ve been planning forever?” At press time, Ginsburg accepted an invitation from 78-year-old Justice Stephen Breyer to spend their winter vacation going BASE jumping in the insurgent-held Borno region of Nigeria.

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