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Supreme Court

Teens Throwing Rocks At Overgrown, Long-Vacant Supreme Court Seat

WASHINGTON—Trading legends they had heard about the old chair as they gathered together a safe distance from the abandoned, dilapidated structure, a group of neighborhood teens reportedly stopped while passing through Capitol Hill this afternoon and spent several minutes throwing rocks at the heavily overgrown, long-vacant Supreme Court seat.

Nation’s Homophobic Bigots Pack It In

‘Rules Are Rules,’ Say Those With Deeply Ingrained Prejudices

WASHINGTON—Following the Supreme Court’s landmark ruling that bans on same-sex marriage were unconstitutional, the nation’s homophobic bigots reportedly conceded today that “rules are rules” and announced that they were going to pack it in.

Supreme Court Gathers To Watch Baby Justices Hatch

WASHINGTON—Crowding around a small glass incubator in their personal chambers for a better vantage point, all nine members of the U.S. Supreme Court reportedly gathered Tuesday to watch a brood of baby justices hatch from their eggs.
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Neil Gorsuch Vows To Interpret Constitution Using Scalia’s Original Intent

WASHINGTON—Pledging to defend the highest laws of the United States as objectively and consistently as possible, Supreme Court nominee Neil Gorsuch vowed Monday that if confirmed, he would interpret the Constitution in accordance with former Associate Justice Antonin Scalia’s original intent. “The Constitution is not a living document to be reinterpreted in light of new values, but one that was meant to be understood according to the opinion originally laid down by Justice Scalia,” said Gorsuch, who promised to strictly adhere to the letter of Scalia’s jurisprudence when ruling on all cases before the court. “When Justice Scalia first wrote his opinions on subjects like civil rights and the commerce clause, he set down a blueprint that all justices should follow. Our job should always be to respect those original words, not to redefine them to fit modern attitudes.” Gorsuch added that Scalia’s original intent was still a reliable guide to evaluating the nation’s laws, even if the country we lived in was no longer one the associate justice would have recognized.

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