End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry

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Nation Down To Last Hundred Grown-Ups

SUITLAND, MD—According to alarming new figures released Monday by the U.S. Census Bureau, the nation's population of mature adults has been pushed to the brink of extinction, with only 104 grown-ups remaining in the country today. The endangered dem...

Eons Of Darwinian Evolution Somehow Produce Mitch

ALBUQUERQUE, NM—The process of evolution, through which single-celled organisms slowly developed over billions of years into exponentially more sophisticated forms of life, has inexplicably culminated in local Albuquerque resident Mitch Szabo, leading evolutionary biologists reported Monday.

FEMA Disaster Survival Tips

Recent events have underscored the importance of being properly prepared to deal with the effects of natural disasters. With that in mind, the Federal Emergency Management Agency has prepared the following guidelines.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

End Of Last Meals For Death Row Inmates Could Decimate Texas Restaurant Industry

AUSTIN, TX—Texas restaurant owners voiced concerns Friday over the recent decision of state prison officials to end last meals for death row inmates, claiming the ban would decimate a substantial portion of their industry's revenues. "How are dining establishments in this state supposed to stay afloat without their key customer base?" said Borboa's BBQ proprietor Tobey Barker, explaining that the Texas Department of Criminal Justice's food orders for those about to be executed accounted for 75 percent of restaurant business in the state. "Our places get a little bit of walk-in traffic on weekends, but let's face it, we're in the business of catering meals for individuals who will be dead in the morning." While the ban remains in effect, experts have predicted it is likely to be reversed once the decline in demand for sirloin steaks begins to draw ire from the formidable Texas beef lobby.

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