Local Teen Quits Club That Would’ve Been Tiebreaker In Admission To Dream School

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Sex Ed Vs. Abstinence-Only Education

With many states still defending their right to withhold information on sex from public school curricula, Americans are left to weigh the relative benefits of explicit sexual education programs versus those that teach only abstinence and promote health through celibacy. Here is a side-by-side comparison of what these programs offer:

Teen Coming Out Of Shell Giving Bully Lots Of New Material To Work With

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Claiming he “hit the jackpot” when his victim began displaying an increased level of confidence and expressing his personal interests, local bully David Macomber told reporters Tuesday that he has had loads of new material to work with since 14-year-old Andrew Reid started coming out of his shell several weeks ago.

Top Prom Trends For 2015

Prom season is a time for high school students to plan elaborate proposals, shop for fashionable formalwear, and arrange blowout events in the effort to make prom a night to remember. Here are this year’s most popular prom trends

Teacher Picks Wrong Student To Believe In Every Fucking Year

ROUND ROCK, TX—Frustrated at her repeated inability to steer a struggling young person in the right direction, McClintock High School English teacher Jan Broderic said Tuesday that she picks the wrong student to believe in every fucking year. Broder...

A Look At The Class Of 2018

Next week, millions of freshmen will begin classes at colleges around the nation. Here’s a by-the-numbers look at the incoming class of 2018

Puberty Absolutely Teeing Off On Area Teen

MISSOULA, MT—Explaining that he has been knocked around pretty hard lately by all kinds of confusing new emotions and awkward changes to his body, local sources confirmed Tuesday that puberty is absolutely teeing off on area teenager Spencer Huncosk...
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Local Household Announces Plans To Overdo Halloween Again

HIGHLAND PARK, IL—Having hauled over a dozen boxes of lights and plastic decorations as well as a large black-cat-shaped lawn inflatable from storage, members of the Hutchcroft family announced to neighbors from their front yard Thursday their plan to completely overdo Halloween again this year.


  • Father Apologizes For Taking Out Anger On Wrong Son

    ELIZABETH, NJ—Moments after losing his composure with an unwarranted emotional outburst, local father David Kessler reportedly apologized to his son Christopher Thursday for erroneously taking out his anger on him and not his older brother Peter.

Local Teen Quits Club That Would’ve Been Tiebreaker In Admission To Dream School

NOVI, MI—Citing his desire for a slightly less hectic schedule that would allow him a little free time during his senior year, local student Matt Reynolds, 17, reportedly decided this week to quit a club that would have set his application apart from others and secured his admission to his dream college. “I’ve still got French club and the academic decathlon, not to mention writing for our student newspaper, but I thought it might be nice to have Tuesday and Thursday afternoons off this year, so I dropped debate,” said Reynolds, whose note to the club’s faculty advisor saying that he would no longer be attending meetings had, in essence, made the admissions officers’ rejection decision for them. “It was always a lot of extra work, including a bunch of weekend competitions, and I guess I’d rather spend some time hanging out with my friends before I head off to [an undesirable second-choice] college.” At press time, Reynolds had just cost himself $14,000 in future scholarship money by opting to take Advanced Biology over the AP-level course.