HAWIJA, IRAQ—Responding to his captors’ demands that he divulge who he is and what he was doing in the region, kidnapped journalist Tim Cascella reportedly found himself Thursday having to explain to several ISIS militants what BuzzFeed News is.
MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.
NEW YORK—Following the quick identification and arrest of a suspect in this weekend’s series of bombings in New York and New Jersey that injured 29 people, the American public sought to make it clear Monday that their rational, measured response to this act of terrorism did not preclude them from having a panicked overreaction to any future threat.
WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.
WASHINGTON—Highlighting the gaping security holes that continue to persist 15 years after the attacks, an encouraging report released Thursday by radical extremist think tank the Caliphate Institute determined that the United States is no safer than it was before 9/11.
WASHINGTON—Knocking gingerly on the Oval Office door before poking her head into the president’s daily intelligence briefing Thursday morning, Secretary of the Interior Sally Jewell meekly asked those in attendance if there was anything she could do to help stop ISIS, White House sources reported.
NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit.
NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.
WASHINGTON—Attributing the incident to an unfortunate and highly out-of-the-ordinary technological malfunction, officials at the Pentagon apologized this week after a drone strike intended for an ISIS stronghold in the Middle East nation of Yemen accidentally hit a wedding in West Palm Beach, FL, killing 17.
RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.
TAL AFAR, IRAQ—Admitting it had stopped counting after the first dozen or so occasions upon which it passed from one fighting force to another, an American-made M4 carbine assault rifle confirmed Wednesday it was losing track of how many times it had switched sides during the ongoing war in Iraq.
WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.
RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video.
WASHINGTON—Describing the structure as purely utilitarian and devoid of any inspirational characteristics, officials from the FBI’s Counterterrorism Division launched an international media campaign Wednesday downplaying the symbolic value of the Golden Gate Bridge.
NEW YORK—In a deal that spared him capital punishment for his alleged orchestration of the 9/11 attacks, former al-Qaeda operative Khalid Sheikh Mohammed reluctantly accepted a judge’s alternative sentence requiring him to coach a disorderly youth baseball team, sources confirmed Wednesday.
BARAMCHA, AFGHANISTAN—Shaking his head at all the new recruitment and indoctrination methods used by his younger counterparts nowadays, al-Qaeda member Khalid Al-Muthanna, 42, wistfully recalled to reporters Monday a time when radicalization was performed face-to-face rather than over the internet.
‘Please, Just Tell Me Who To Arm And I’ll Do It,’ President Says
WASHINGTON—Saying the shipments were just sitting there all ready to go, a desperate President Obama stated Monday that as soon as someone lets him know who to give arms to in order to defeat ISIS, he will immediately begin doing so.
HOUGHTON, MI—Saying he could hardly believe how much the young man had changed over the past eight years, a visibly sentimental FBI counterterrorism agent fondly recalled Tuesday watching 20-year-old Muslim-American Omar Haddad grow up.
KUNDUZ, AFGHANISTAN—Claiming that the recent extension of U.S. military presence in Afghanistan was only a minor setback, Taliban leader Mullah Akhtar Mansoor confirmed Thursday that the Islamic fundamentalists already know which Westernized schools will go first once American forces withdraw.
AL-BUKAMAL, SYRIA—Calling it another heinous act designed to shock the conscience, international experts confirmed Thursday that members of the Islamic terrorist group ISIS recently destroyed a Hofner bass guitar signed by music legend Paul McCartney.
With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS