adBlockCheck

American Public Clarifies Rational, Measured Response To This Terror Threat Doesn’t Preclude Panicked Overreaction In Future

Top Headlines

terrorism

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

Why Westerners Join ISIS

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

American Public Clarifies Rational, Measured Response To This Terror Threat Doesn’t Preclude Panicked Overreaction In Future

NEW YORK—Following the quick identification and arrest of a suspect in this weekend’s series of bombings in New York and New Jersey that injured 29 people, the American public sought to make it clear Monday that their rational, measured response to this act of terrorism did not preclude them from having a panicked overreaction to any future threat. “Sure, we did a pretty good job of staying calm this time around, but that doesn’t mean we won’t fly completely off the handle and descend into a destructive paranoia with the next one,” said Philadelphia resident Derek Kelly, echoing the sentiments of tens of millions of other Americans who stated that they had not ruled out following their levelheaded response to this weekend’s events by blowing the next report of an explosion way out of proportion and letting it affect every aspect of their daily lives. “Just because we didn’t spend the past two days regarding everyone around us with unfounded suspicion, obsessively watching hour after hour of cable news coverage for the latest updates, and fretting on social media about how it’s not safe to live in America anymore, that’s no guarantee the next attack—or even just the possibility of an attack—won’t have us freaking the fuck out and calling for radical changes to our laws. And if the next incident isn’t resolved as rapidly or if it targets some iconic American monument, keep in mind that we’ve got carte blanche to go completely off the deep end.” Kelly added that neither he nor any of the nation’s other 320 million citizens had ruled out retroactively losing their mind over this attack once the alleged bomber’s motivations were made clear.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close