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Humanity Hoping It Only Has To Put Up With Few More Millennia Of This Shit

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

Why Westerners Join ISIS

With more than 150 Americans accused of attempting to fight alongside ISIS in Syria and countless young Europeans allegedly joining or supporting the terrorist group, many are left wondering what a population of extremists has to offer Westerners a world away. Here are some reasons these people might want to ally with ISIS

Items Found In Bin Laden’s Compound

On Wednesday, the U.S. government declassified more than 400 documents and other material seized from Osama bin Laden’s Pakistan hideout during the 2011 raid that resulted in his death. Here are some of the items found in the former al-Qaeda leader’s compound

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.
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Humanity Hoping It Only Has To Put Up With Few More Millennia Of This Shit

NICE, FRANCE—In the wake of the Bastille Day terrorist attack in Nice, France that killed 84 people and injured over 200 more, humankind told reporters Friday it was hoping it would only have to put up with a few more millennia of this shit. “Right now, it feels like so many innocent people are dying in senseless violence around the world every single day, but I remain hopeful that we’ll be able to finally move past this shit in the next five or six thousand years,” said Norfolk, VA resident Bethany Millner, one of the world’s 7.4 billion individuals who expressed optimism that the ongoing cycle of appalling tragedies impacting virtually every country on earth would steadily taper off and eventually cease completely in the next several dozen centuries or so. “Everyone’s so sick and tired of dealing with this fucking horror all the time, but I genuinely believe that we could all live peacefully together by maybe the year 8000 or 8500. Maybe that’s too optimistic, but I think if we just work at it for a few hundred generations, we can do it.” Humanity later added that, if it was truly being honest with itself, given its history, ending such horrific acts once and for all might actually take a geological eon or two.

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