The Onion's Guide To Campus Life

Back-To-School Necessities

No matter what your level of education, the first day of school arrives with anxiety about the things you forgot to bring. Here's a comprehensive checklist of items you'll need for the academic year.

College Meal Plans

As they head to college for the first time, freshmen will be faced with a wide array of meal plans through their dormitories. The choices can be dizzying. Here are some of the typical university dining options.

Dormitory Decoration Tips

For most college students, your dormitory is your first living space that you can call your own. Be sure it's saying the right things about you as an adult individual with these decoration tips.
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Mother Trying Her Best To Project Same Amount Of Insecurities Onto All Her Daughters

SANTA CRUZ, CA—Saying that she wanted to be as fair as possible, local mother Joyce Ferrario told reporters Tuesday that she is trying her best to project equal amounts of insecurity onto her three teenage girls. “They’re all different kids with different sets of needs, but in the end I want to make sure I give each one of them the same amount of psychological hang-ups, body issues, and self-doubt,” said Ferrario, who hoped to avoid any resentment that might develop if she didn’t evenly divide the emotional scarring among her daughters. “Finding the right balance can be tricky. For example, if I bring up one’s weight, I need to focus on disparaging the other’s boyfriend while chastising the third for not being as smart as her sisters. It’s not always easy, but I do what I can.” Ferrario went on to contrast her parenting style to that of her husband, who puts all of his emotional distance into his youngest daughter.

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