Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months

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Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that guy over there's still kicking," Jensen said, after he saw the elderly man smoking a Marlboro at Caroline's Corner Cafe. "I'm always hearing about the health risks of smoking, and how it can kill you, but look at that old dude. He doesn't have one of those holes in his throat. He's not even using a cane." Minutes later, Jensen added onion rings to his order after seeing Menting's wife do the same.

Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy

SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison's fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. "There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15," said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant serving 10 years for embezzlement. "After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it's total chaos." Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as assholes.

Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In

EVANSVILLE, IN—Ashleigh Davis, 14, who started smoking three weeks ago, "can't wait" for her cigarette addiction to kick in. "Right now, I'm smoking, like, four or five cigarettes a day, but I definitely don't feel like I'm hooked yet," Davis said Tuesday. "That's gonna be so cool when the nicotine kicks in, and I have to, like, sneak out of restaurants and stuff for a fix."

The NYC Smoking Ban

New York is one of a number of U.S. cities considering a ban on smoking in restaurants and bars. What do you think?

The Cigarette Tax

Twenty-two states are considering raising cigarette taxes to generate extra revenue, and in New York City, the cost of a pack may reach $7. What do you think?

Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit

DETROIT—Buckhead Tobacco Inc., makers of Hamtramck Smooths and Eastpoint cigarettes, and three other small tobacco manufacturers braced for a protracted court fight Monday, when a $350 class-action lawsuit was filed against Little Tobacco. "The defendants in this case peddled their deadly product for weeks at three local stores," said lead prosecuting attorney Stanley Green. "And memos show their intent to advertise on small, backcountry roads that children bike on every few days." If Little Tobacco is defeated, the $3.5 hundred award would go toward reimbursing its victim and removing the cigarette vending machine from the breakroom of a Detroit-area Safeway.
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Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months

WOONSOCKET, RI—Ninety days after the pharmacy chain’s public announcement that it would cease carrying tobacco products, a visibly on edge and jittery CVS broke its vow and resumed selling cigarettes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We were doing pretty well there for a while, but it’s been a tough quarter for us, and combined with all the stress of the holidays, we just had to sell a few smokes,” said CVS spokesperson Elliot Steingart, who admitted that after suffering a breakdown over the busy Thanksgiving weekend and selling a few Marlboros, the company was back up to 40,000 packs a day. “We tried selling more nicotine patches back in November, but that wasn’t cutting it. At this point, we just decided, all right, let’s let ourselves sell as many cigarettes as we want over the next few weeks to get it out of our system and then quit for good on January 1.” Steingart added that CVS customers shouldn’t be too concerned about the company as it has always sold cigarettes in moderation, except when it sells alcohol at the same time.

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