adBlockCheck

Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months

Top Headlines

tobacco

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

Smoker Inspired By Sight Of Elderly Smoker

EVANSVILLE, WY—Rod Jensen, a 25-year-old smoker with a two-pack-a-day habit, drew inspiration from 83-year-old Leo Menting Monday. "See, that guy over there's still kicking," Jensen said, after he saw the elderly man smoking a Marlboro at Caroline's Corner Cafe. "I'm always hearing about the health risks of smoking, and how it can kill you, but look at that old dude. He doesn't have one of those holes in his throat. He's not even using a cane." Minutes later, Jensen added onion rings to his order after seeing Menting's wife do the same.

Smoking Ban Collapses Fragile Prison Economy

SOLEDAD, CA—A pen-wide smoking ban instituted last week devastated the Salinas Valley State Prison's fragile economy, inmate #67545 said Monday. "There were occasional fluctuations or recalibrations, but a bar of soap used to equal three cigarettes; a Snickers, four; a Percocet, 15," said Kenneth Oglivy, a former WorldCom accountant serving 10 years for embezzlement. "After the ban, the value of a carton of Newports climbed to 50 times its 2003 value. Now that those cigarettes are gone, it's total chaos." Oglivy said Salinas Valley inmates will have to devise a new system of value based on some other commodity, such as assholes.

Teen Anxious For Cigarette Addiction To Kick In

EVANSVILLE, IN—Ashleigh Davis, 14, who started smoking three weeks ago, "can't wait" for her cigarette addiction to kick in. "Right now, I'm smoking, like, four or five cigarettes a day, but I definitely don't feel like I'm hooked yet," Davis said Tuesday. "That's gonna be so cool when the nicotine kicks in, and I have to, like, sneak out of restaurants and stuff for a fix."

Little Tobacco Hit With $3.5 Hundred Lawsuit

DETROIT—Buckhead Tobacco Inc., makers of Hamtramck Smooths and Eastpoint cigarettes, and three other small tobacco manufacturers braced for a protracted court fight Monday, when a $350 class-action lawsuit was filed against Little Tobacco. "The defendants in this case peddled their deadly product for weeks at three local stores," said lead prosecuting attorney Stanley Green. "And memos show their intent to advertise on small, backcountry roads that children bike on every few days." If Little Tobacco is defeated, the $3.5 hundred award would go toward reimbursing its victim and removing the cigarette vending machine from the breakroom of a Detroit-area Safeway.

Area 31-Year-Old Can't Believe 'You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes' Sign Up To 1982

KIRKLAND, WA–Purchasing a pack of Camel Reds at a local convenience store, 31-year-old Kirkland resident Andy Belfour announced Monday that he "can't fucking believe" the "You Must Be Born Before This Date To Buy Cigarettes" sign is already up to 1982. "Christ, I was a freshman in high school in '82," Belfour said. "Now, kids born that year are old enough to smoke? God, I feel so old." Belfour went on to recall that 1982 was the year The Replacements Stink came out, an album he bought on vinyl and played that whole summer while dating Alison Haiduk, his first girlfriend. He then ran his hands through his thinning hair.

Sole Remaining Lung Filled With Rich, Satisfying Flavor

GARLAND, TX—Local resident Jesse McCombs' sole remaining lung filled with the rich, satisfying flavor of Parliament cigarettes Monday. "Mmm, now that's a good smoke," said McCombs, 51, drawing a deep breath of Parliament smoke into what remains of his respiratory system. "It's just too bad I no longer have a right lung, because then I could be enjoying double the tobacco pleasure right now."

North Carolina Elects Someone To Run Out For Cigarettes

RALEIGH, NC—In a decisive 91-8 vote Monday, the North Carolina Legislature elected Rep. David Schare (D-Wilmington) to run out and get some cigarettes for his fellow legislators. "Mister Speaker and all my distinguished colleagues, I am honored to accept the post of Smokesman-At-Arms," Schare said following the vote. "I will do my very best to fulfill my duties faithfully and diligently. So, who wants menthols?" Schare is the 49th person to hold the recently renamed post, which had been called "Faggoteer General" since the state's first assembly in 1789.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Television

Stressed-Out CVS Back To Selling Cigarettes After Only 3 Months

WOONSOCKET, RI—Ninety days after the pharmacy chain’s public announcement that it would cease carrying tobacco products, a visibly on edge and jittery CVS broke its vow and resumed selling cigarettes, sources confirmed Wednesday. “We were doing pretty well there for a while, but it’s been a tough quarter for us, and combined with all the stress of the holidays, we just had to sell a few smokes,” said CVS spokesperson Elliot Steingart, who admitted that after suffering a breakdown over the busy Thanksgiving weekend and selling a few Marlboros, the company was back up to 40,000 packs a day. “We tried selling more nicotine patches back in November, but that wasn’t cutting it. At this point, we just decided, all right, let’s let ourselves sell as many cigarettes as we want over the next few weeks to get it out of our system and then quit for good on January 1.” Steingart added that CVS customers shouldn’t be too concerned about the company as it has always sold cigarettes in moderation, except when it sells alcohol at the same time.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close