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Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors

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Boston Cruise Line Introduces New Whale Ramming Tour

BOSTON—Offering what they describe as an “unforgettable” opportunity to get “up close and personal” with the region’s marine life, sources confirmed this week that Boston-based cruise line Harbor Excursions has begun op...

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Government-Publications Enthusiast Makes Pilgrimage To Pueblo, CO

PUEBLO, CO– Fulfilling a lifelong dream, Kim Cheever of Ames, IA, made a pilgrimage Tuesday to Pueblo's Federal Consumer Information Center. "This is the happiest moment of my life," said Cheever, touring the center that has produced informative government leaflets for the past 30 years. "To think that pamphlets like 'Making The Updated Tax Code Work For You' were dreamed up right here." Cheever ended her visit with a stop at the gift shop, where she purchased a copy of the classic 1972 brochure "Preparing For The Metric Conversion" and a rare misprint edition of "Raising Poultry For Meat And Eggs."

Tourist Realizes It's All Just A Lie Set In Place For Him

SAGEBRUSH, TX—An excursion to the Sagebrush Wild West Ghost Town ended in disillusionment Saturday, when, over the course of two hours, Lodi, NJ, resident Vic Coyne came to see the 'genuine 1873 frontier village' for the play-acting fantasy artifice it always was. "I was first taken aback by the blacksmith's shop with the concrete frame," Coyne said. "But I figured it could be a reconstruction from old photographs in cooperation with a local historical society." The final blow, Coyne said, was "the 'old-time' saloon, in which the bartender's nametag read 'Smilin' Joe' and a menu item read 'Old-Fashioned Sarsaparilla,' with 'Hires Root Beer' in parentheses."

Birthplace Of President Carter Accidentally Visited

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Cleveland Ukrainian Museum Pulling Out All Stops To Prepare For Onrush Of RNC Visitors

CLEVELAND—Speaking to reporters while polishing a display of eastern Galician embroidery, the executive director of the Cleveland Ukrainian Museum-Archives, Taras Szmagala Sr., confirmed Monday that employees had busily spent the past several weeks gearing up for the inevitable onrush of visitors during the Republican National Convention. “When all the delegates and party officials start showing up today, we’ll be ready with all hands on deck—we’ve got staff working extra shifts, a brand-new audio tour for our Easter egg and famine exhibits, and several extra boxes of pamphlets stacked under the ticket desk for easy access,” said Szmagala, noting that the museum gift shop had just received new shipments of Kiev coat-of-arms patches and varenyky cookbooks to handle the additional demand during the four-day meeting to officially nominate the GOP’s presidential candidate. “I also rented a dozen more rope posts so we can control the line and have it wrap neatly along the side of the building when the RNC events let out and people start making their way over here. Our goal is to get everyone inside and learning about Ukrainian history as quickly and seamlessly as possible.” Szmagala then reportedly double-checked his supply of cardstock for printing out new membership cards, saying he didn’t want to be caught off guard again like he was during this year’s NBA Finals.

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