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transportation

A Timeline Of Aviation History

This Saturday marks 90 years since aviator Charles Lindbergh made his historic first nonstop solo transatlantic flight from New York to Paris aboard the Spirit Of St. Louis. The Onion takes a look back at the most important milestones in the history of aviation.

Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure

WASHINGTON—Offering vocal criticism of the aging transit network and its continued failure to meet their transportation needs, frustrated citizens nationwide are calling upon federal officials this week to at long last update the country’s obs...

Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport

DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go.
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Innovations In Public Transportation

The Chicago “L” began operating 125 years ago today and became the nation’s first rapid transit system. The Onion looks back on some of the most important innovations in the history of public transportation.

  • 980 B.C.

    Mongolian village installs hop-on/hop-off horse to walk up and down main road all day

  • 1897

    Boston constructs the country’s first public subway system in effort to give residents easier access to diseased rodents

  • 1910

    Japan’s first bullet cable car, capable of traveling from downtown Tokyo to the surrounding fishing villages in seconds flat, begins operating

  • 1959

    Disneyland comes under fire after the completion of its monorail system leads to the rapid gentrification of Main Street, U.S.A.

  • 1973

    Budget cuts force New York’s MTA to lay off hundreds of flutists in favor of prerecorded door closing signals

  • 1981

    After decades of stalled progress, signaling-bus-driver-to-stop technology makes seismic leap with the advent of tape you can press

  • 1998

    The introduction of the party bus leads to the decline of gas-guzzling cars with stripper poles and mini fridges in them

  • 2012

    Cousin says you can use some tram system called the FRAN when you come visit

  • 2013

    New apps help users figure out just how fucked their bus ride home is going to be

  • 2017

    Downtown local train dispatched in 1956 arrives at Penn Station

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Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...

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