Conductor Fatigue Blamed In Massive Model Train Crash

BLOOMINGTON, IN—After surveying the dozen railcars and cargo of Lincoln Logs strewn haphazardly across the grass mat, investigators concluded Friday that a massive model train derailment was the result of conductor fatigue.

Uber Vs. Taxis

The rise of on-demand car service Uber has been the subject of much scrutiny for its effects on existing local taxi services, with cities unsure how to regulate it and consumers debating which one to use. Here is a side-by-side comparison of these two modes of transportation

Frustrated Nation Calls For Updated Zip-Line Infrastructure

WASHINGTON—Offering vocal criticism of the aging transit network and its continued failure to meet their transportation needs, frustrated citizens nationwide are calling upon federal officials this week to at long last update the country’s obs...

Man With Serious Mental Illness Committed To City Bus

ALBANY, NY—Citing a range of severe symptoms including hallucinations, disorientation, and disorganized speech, the Albany County Department of Mental Health said Wednesday that local man Shawn Zellicoff will be involuntarily committed to the 125 Cl...

Bus Rider Acting Like Fight Not Happening 4 Feet Away

CHICAGO—Steadfastly staring at his iPhone screen as the shouting grew louder, local man Kyle Rankin spent his bus ride Friday morning acting as if a rapidly escalating argument between two passengers was not happening directly across the aisle from ...

Pilot Tells Passengers He’s About To Try Something

SAN FRANCISCO—Midway through American Airlines flight 1544’s journey from San Francisco to Dallas Monday, pilot Mark Dams asked passengers to please remain seated and fasten their seat belts for a minute while he tries something real quick.

Inconsiderate Woman On Bus Eating Live Tuna

PORTLAND, ME—Passengers on the No. 5 bus expressed frustration today as an inconsiderate fellow rider began openly consuming her lunch of a live, violently flopping Atlantic bluefin tuna.

Lucky Old Woman Getting Wheeled Around Airport

DENVER—Travelers at the Denver International Airport looked on in envy Thursday at a very lucky elderly woman, who, since her arrival, has been greeted by an airport employee and been pushed around in a wheelchair wherever she wants to go.
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‘There Is Beauty In Decay,’ Says Head Of Federal Highway Administration While Surveying Nation’s Crumbling Roads

CHICAGO—Inspecting a lengthy fissure cutting across two lanes of U.S. Route 34, Federal Highway Administration head Gregory G. Nadeau told reporters Wednesday that while the nation’s infrastructure is in desperate need of repair, there was “a certain kind of beauty in decay.” “Yes, it’s easy to lament the wretched state of our country’s crumbling roads, but let us not forget that it also allows us to appreciate the cycle of life as nature takes its course, for it reminds us that time—not man—is truly in control,” said Nadeau, further musing that when seen in a different light, the pockmarked asphalt, rusted metal, and dilapidated concrete were almost picturesque in their unchecked deterioration, a poignant reminder of the fragility of even the grandest municipal visions. “Indeed, let us celebrate the splendor of something entirely new—this network of cracks here, that vast pothole there—being created from what was once an intact stretch of highway. The natural order gives birth to its own wonders.” Members of the press were then instructed to close their eyes and take in the gentle patter of tires rolling over uneven pavement, after which Nadeau reportedly dashed into his car and sped away.


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