Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Historians Piece Together Carnival East India Company’s First Cruise In 1605

LONDON—Working from recently discovered ships’ logs and archaeological findings, a team of historians announced Monday they had pieced together a detailed account of the Carnival East India Company’s maiden cruise—the very first seafaring journey to the Far East dedicated solely to the enjoyment and entertainment of its passengers.

Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

Budget Travel Tips

With the bloated cost of airfare and hotels, many people are looking to save on travel however they can. Here are The Onion’s tips for planning a memorable vacation without overspending.

Disney World Opens New Ordeal Kingdom For Family Meltdowns

BAY LAKE, FL—Touting the new property’s wide variety of unique and imaginative attractions, representatives from the Walt Disney World Resort announced Monday the opening of Ordeal Kingdom, a new theme park specifically designed for full-scale family meltdowns.

Tips For Traveling With Young Children

Family vacations can be a time for bonding and building lasting memories, but when young children are involved, trips can also be stressful to plan and execute. Here are The Onion’s tips for traveling with kids
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Report: Still A Few Seconds Left Where Plane Low Enough To Crash With Everyone Surviving

CHICAGO—Determining that no one had anything to worry about for the time being, passengers aboard a 737 taking off at O’Hare International Airport reported Thursday that the plane would still be low enough for a few seconds longer that it could crash with everyone surviving. “We’re not that high off the ground yet, so if the engines gave out right this instant, it’s very likely that none of us would die,” said passenger Ben Aletta, adding that, for a few fleeting moments, the worst that could happen would be that the plane skidded down the tarmac and a handful of people broke some bones. “Maybe a couple of passengers up front would have to be rushed to the hospital, and maybe some folks not wearing their seatbelt slam their head and get a concussion—but when it was all said and done, we’d all be alive and not dead.” At press time, the plane had reached a height at which every single person on board would be killed in a crash and was scheduled to remain at that altitude for the next four hours.

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