God: ‘Fuck Russell Wilson’

THE HEAVENS—Following the game-ending interception against the New England Patriots in Super Bowl XLIX, God Almighty, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, confirmed Monday that He “can’t fucking stand Russell Wilson” and that...

Modern-Day Lancelot Offers To Pay For Abortion

ST. LOUIS—His seed having taken hold within the loins of his beloved, modern-day Lancelot Aaron Grimaldi selflessly proffered a goodly portion of his wages Wednesday to pay for his fair lady Kelly Webster’s abortion.

Survey: Americans Watching Better Sex Than Ever

LOS ANGELES—Reflecting a significant shift in societal attitudes and behaviors, a survey completed this week by researchers at the University of Southern California revealed that American adults are watching far better sex than ever before. The init...

Rape Investigation Finds Star College Quarterback Has Got The Goods

‘He Can Make All The Throws And Has A Cannon For An Arm,’ Confirms Sexual Assault Inquiry

ROANOKE, VA—Following a full investigation into allegations of sexual assault at an on-campus dormitory, the Roanoke County Police Department announced Thursday that a star Virginia Methodist University football player accused of rape has definitely...

Feds Bust Massive Child Pornography Corporation

WHITE PLAINS, NY—After years of gathering evidence and building a case against what has come to be regarded as one of the world’s largest and most successful smut distribution networks, federal agents busted a massive child pornography corpora...

Little Pussy Has To Take Phone Call In Other Room

PEORIA, IL—Daintily rising from his desk chair as he meekly whispered a pitiful apology into his iPhone, local accounting assistant and pathetic little pussy Andrew Kirby, 32, reportedly needed to take an incoming call in another room Thursday, offi...

Frugal Couple Saves Money By Making Own Porn

KIRKSVILLE, MO—Saying they’re trying to tighten their belts where they can and cut back on costly erotica expenses, local couple Christopher and Ellen Landstrom told reporters Friday they have been able to save money by making their own porn a...
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Report: 98% Of German Sexual Intercourse Uploaded To Pornhub

GAINESVILLE, FL—According to a report released Friday by researchers at the University of Florida College of Public Health, 98 percent of all sexual intercourse in Germany is recorded and uploaded to the pornographic video–sharing website Pornhub. “After careful analysis, we have discovered that almost all of the sexual activity that occurs among Germany’s 80 million residents is captured on film and subsequently submitted to the adult video–sharing site Pornhub for public viewing,” said the report’s author, Nathan Saunders, who noted that the 5 million videos uploaded by German citizens each day depict the overwhelming majority of oral, vaginal, and anal sex that occurred within the country’s borders during that 24-hour period. “This extremely high rate of recording and sharing such sex acts appears to hold true across every German demographic and fetish. The data clearly show that almost every sexual encounter, from these citizens’ eight-member orgies, to their acts of fisting, to the most banal two-minute mutual masturbation session, ultimately winds up on this particular website.” Saunders added that the study also found that only 0.000001 percent of the filmed acts of bestiality in Brazil ever make it online.

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