US Olympians To Watch In 2012

Ryan Lochte

Swimming — Daytona Beach, Florida Strengths: Thanks to obscure loophole, is allowed to use a canoe; powerful bubble-blower Flaws: Crippled by constant fear of being sucked into pool’s filter Preferred Places To Finish Behind ...

Jordyn Wieber

Gymnastics — DeWitt, Michigan Strengths: Pretending to smile Celebration: Weeping into hands Flaws: Often penalized for 6-foot-8-inch frame London Sight She’s Most Excited To See: Big clock thing Background:...

Lolo Jones

Track and Field, Hurdles — Des Moines, Iowa Event At Which She’s Most Likely To Win Gold: 60-meter tripping Workout Routine: Carefully watched by leering creeps Disappointment: Wind-assisted 7.88 at 2007 nationals marred ...

Kim Rhode

Shooting — El Monte, California Shooting Style: Oh, you’ll find out Reasons For Shooting Skeet: Self-defense; thinning of ever-rising skeet population Bad Habits: Constantly scratching at crotch with shotgun Motivation...

Missy Franklin

Swimming — Centennial, Colorado Favorite Musical Artist: Who cares? Really, who the fuck cares? Accomplishment: Once swam to bottom of pool and touched grate Special Skills: Excellent breath control during post-race interview ...

Tyson Gay

Track and Field, 100m — Lexington, Kentucky Accomplishments: One of the only Americans capable of running Motivation: Imagining there’s a delicious rabbit running along the edge of the track Childhood: Left for dead in a ...

Maya Moore

Women's Basketball — Lawrenceville, Georgia Endorsements: American Tripe Council, Pontiac, Lady Subway Why She Wants To Compete In Women’s Basketball For Team USA: Free gold medal/trip to London Hobbies: Plays in recreati...

LeBron James

Men's Basketball — Akron, Ohio GDP Rank Among Olympic Nations If He Were Considered Own Country: 155/203 Heartwarming Background Story: Overcame being born without soul Family: Compared to most Olympian parents, mother Gloria a...

Michael Phelps

Swimming — Baltimore, Maryland Swimming Style: Faster, better than everyone Special Skills: Can hold breath for entire Olympics Favorite Place To Swim: Water Childhood: Financial restraints forced him to compete ...
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Holley Mangold

Weightlifting — Dayton, Ohio

Strength: Strength

Special Skills: Lifting, grunting

Childhood: Dealt with bullies by using self-deprecating humor and then beating the shit out of them; often teased in high school for having a brother who played for the Jets

Body Type: Lumpy heap

Favorite hobby: Enjoys lifting many things recreationally

Personal Goal: To eat entire Olympic team

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