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What Is Pokémon Go?

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Video Game Henchmen Plan Meetup Around Explosive Barrels

LEVEL 5—A group of video game henchmen patrolling the warehouse hideout of their criminal mastermind boss informed reporters Wednesday of their upcoming plan to take a brief break from making their rounds to meet up around a stack of five highly explosive barrels.

Breaking: Adam Got A PS4 For Christmas

He Got ‘Battlefront’ Too

DANVILLE, CA—Saying that the 10-year-old was so freaking lucky, sources in Mrs. Burnett’s homeroom class confirmed Monday that local 5th-grader Adam Samuels got a PlayStation 4 for Christmas and Star Wars Battlefront, too.

PlayStation 4 vs. Xbox One

Sony and Microsoft are launching their hotly anticipated next-generation video gaming consoles this month, with the PlayStation 4 going on sale on Nov.

Console Wars Heat Up As Zenith Unveils Gamespace Pro

LINCOLNSHIRE, IL—With next-generation video game systems such as the Xbox One and the Playstation 4 hitting stores later this month, the console wars got even hotter today as electronics manufacturer Zenith announced the release of its own console, ...

New Features Of ‘Grand Theft Auto V’

The latest installment of the Grand Theft Auto video game series launches Tuesday. Here are a few of the new features gamers can look forward to: 15-hour opening cinematic scene Character now sometimes steps in gum Users can unlock one fre...

Features Of ‘Madden 25’

With Electronic Arts releasing Madden NFL 25 this week, Onion Sports examines the new and innovative features of the popular football video game series. Over 30 new running moves that you’ll never figure out how to use Four-player coo...

Nintendo Entertainment System Turns 30

The original version of the Nintendo Entertainment System, known as the Famicom or Nintendo Family Computer, first became available in Japan 30 years ago this month.

Tecmo Bowl–Winning Bulldogs Visit White House

WASHINGTON—President Barack Obama hosted the Tecmo Bowl champion Bulldogs at the White House Thursday, honoring the team for their stunning victory over the heavily favored Wildcats. Obama, who met with the players and coach BOB and provided a guide...

Features Of The Xbox One

Windows XP operating system Will offer new titles in such popular Xbox series as Ace Combat, Kane & Lynch, Crash Time, and Call of Juarez Xbox Hat—Say the words “Xbox Hat” out loud and a large ima...
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What Is Pokémon Go?

Since its debut last Thursday, the augmented-reality smartphone app Pokémon Go has been downloaded millions of times and has grown publisher Nintendo’s stock by 25 percent. The Onion answers some common questions about the game and its unprecedented success.

Q: What is the object of Pokémon Go?
A: To collect as much personal data for Nintendo as possible

Q: Where can you play Pokémon Go?
A: In any society in which the problems of day-to-day survival have been adequately solved to allow the concept of unfocused activity, or “leisure,” to develop

Q: What are Pokémon?
A: This is not for you

Q: How do you catch a Pokémon?
A: Spend months building a personal connection before luring it away from its family

Q: What happens after I capture a Pokémon?
A: The Pokémon will emit a deep, mournful moan as it begins to experience an overwhelming longing for freedom

Q: Can you shoot the Pokémon?
A: No

Q: How do you beat the game?
A: The game is won when you have completed all in-app purchases

Q: Where can I catch Onix?
A: Onix can only be found in the Caspian Sea off the coast of Turkmenistan, at coordinates 39°32’48.7”N 51°49’04.1”E

Q: How many Pokémon are there?
A: 151, according to the most recent numbers out of the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service

Q: Is it a better deal to buy 2,500 Pokécoins for $19.99 or 5,200 Pokécoins for $39.99?
A: The DSM-5 classifies internet gaming disorder as a compulsive use of video games that leads to significant issues functioning in society, damage to one’s personal life, and acute withdrawal when separated from the game in question.

Q: Who owns Pokémon Go?
A: Pokémon Go is jointly owned by Nintendo and the remaining descendants of Pikachu

Q: Should I worry about the amount of information that I will expose about myself by using the app?
A: It’s never stopped you before

Q: Is some part of this game’s popularity among adults deeply, indescribably sad?
A: Yes

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