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Trump Supporter Still Planning On Rioting At National Convention Anyway

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Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation

Citizens Advised To Remain Alert, Stay Indoors

WASHINGTON—Cautioning citizens to be on high alert and remain indoors until the area was determined to be safe, authorities confirmed Thursday that the United States is still an active shooter situation.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in southern California in which two attackers killed 14 individuals and seriously injured 17 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

National Dialogue Dusted Off

WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

CHARLESTON, SC—In the hours following a violent rampage in downtown Charleston in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured one other, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
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Trump Supporter Still Planning On Rioting At National Convention Anyway

YOUNGSTOWN, OH—Local Donald Trump supporter David Kearney informed reporters Thursday that, although his preferred candidate had already effectively secured the GOP nomination for president, he still planned on rioting at the Republican National Convention anyway. “I guess there’s not going to be a contested convention thing, but I definitely still want to head over to Cleveland and smash some stuff,” said Kearney, adding that regardless of how many delegates Trump amassed, he planned to show up outside Quicken Loans Arena with a baseball bat on July 18 ready to take out a considerable amount of aggression. “One way or another, I’m going to spend the day yelling at and attacking anyone who crosses my path. I already had my heart set on picking up a garbage can and chucking it through a window, and this doesn’t change a thing. I’ve been looking forward to raising hell in the streets for months.” Kearney admitted, however, that it would be nice to be able to simply relax and enjoy setting a police car on fire without having to worry about whether or not Trump would be the Republican nominee.

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