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Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About

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Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

47 Weak-Willed Senators Bend To Interests Of Powerful American People

WASHINGTON—Saying the closely watched Senate vote clearly demonstrated where the elected officials’ loyalties lay, political observers confirmed that 47 weak-willed lawmakers bent to the interests of the powerful American public Monday by voting in favor of measures that would bar anyone on government terror watchlists from purchasing firearms.

Why America’s Violent Crime Rate Is Rising

With a 9 percent spike in the homicide rate this year, many are wondering what factors are contributing to the rise in violence across the country. Here are some reasons behind the growing frequency of these crimes

Hollywood Stars Overthrown In Bloody C-List Uprising

LOS ANGELES—Unleashing a brutal wave of violence and destruction that has upended the entire power structure of the entertainment industry overnight, the nation’s C-list celebrities have carried out a bloody coup to overthrow the hottest stars in Hollywood, sources reported Tuesday.

World Makes Final Attempt To Try To Understand This Shit

BRUSSELS—In the wake of the terrorist attacks in Brussels that left over 30 dead and more than 100 injured, an angry and frustrated global populace collectively announced Tuesday that it would make one last attempt to try to understand this shit.

Authorities Say Country Still An Active Shooter Situation

Citizens Advised To Remain Alert, Stay Indoors

WASHINGTON—Cautioning citizens to be on high alert and remain indoors until the area was determined to be safe, authorities confirmed Thursday that the United States is still an active shooter situation.

‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

SAN BERNARDINO, CA—In the hours following a violent rampage in southern California in which two attackers killed 14 individuals and seriously injured 17 others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Wednesday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.
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Rahm Emanuel Concerned Gun Violence Could Spread To Parts Of City He Gives Shit About

CHICAGO— Speaking with members of his staff in private Monday after receiving the most recent municipal crime statistics, Chicago mayor Rahm Emanuel is said to have expressed his concern that the metropolitan area’s gun violence problem might soon spread to the parts of the city he actually gives a shit about, sources reported. “Listen, we’re at 3,000 shootings this year and counting—it’s only a matter of time before this violence migrates from the areas of the city I don’t give a fuck about into the areas that actually matter in my eyes,” the second-term mayor reportedly said, adding that it would be devastating to see such senseless shootings affect residents outside of the large swaths of Chicago he has written off entirely. “If we don’t do something soon to keep guns off the streets of those particular neighborhoods that I consider worthwhile, things could really spiral out of control. Enough is enough when it comes to the parts of this city that I choose to serve.” At press time, Emanuel was breathing a sigh of relief after learning that six Chicagoans killed overnight were shot dead in neighborhoods he couldn’t care less about.

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