Report: 55% Of Nation’s Granite Now Engraved With Names Of Victims

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‘No Way To Prevent This,’ Says Only Nation Where This Regularly Happens

ROSEBURG, OR—In the hours following a violent rampage in southwestern Oregon in which a lone attacker killed nine individuals and seriously injured seven others, citizens living in the only country where this kind of mass killing routinely occurs reportedly concluded Thursday that there was no way to prevent the massacre from taking place.

Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

National Dialogue Dusted Off

WASHINGTON—Following news of a racially motivated shooting massacre in South Carolina that left nine churchgoers dead Wednesday night, the country figured it was once again time to dust off the national dialogue, sources confirmed.
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Report: 55% Of Nation’s Granite Now Engraved With Names Of Victims

BERKELEY, CA—Confirming that it is now by far the most common use for the material, a report published this week by researchers at the University of California, Berkeley revealed that 55 percent of the nation’s granite is now engraved with the names of victims. “We found that most of the granite within the United States has been carved and polished into memorials identifying the victims of a violent incident,” said lead researcher Tara Winfield, adding that, for the first time ever, more granite was used for structures honoring those killed in shootings, bombings, and other murderous acts than for the headstones of individuals who had died of natural causes. “In fact, when you also take into account the granite that is incorporated into a memorial’s surrounding statuary or reflecting pools, there’s very little left of the stone for municipal construction projects, paving, or kitchen fixtures.” Winfield warned that as the number of victims continued to increase, names of future victims would have to be engraved into subpar materials far less suited for preserving the memory of those who were lost.