Republicans Poised To Retain Control Of Senate

WASHINGTON—With precincts reporting GOP victories in key midterm election races nationwide, Beltway sources confirmed Tuesday that the Republican Party is poised to retain its complete control of the U.S.

The Onion’s Guide To Voting

Midterm elections are taking place today, with 36 Senate spots, all 435 House seats, and thousands of local posts to be decided at ballot boxes across the country.

Crimean Voters Excited To Exercise Democracy For Last Time

SIMFEROPOL, UKRAINE—Following yesterday’s referendum in which 97 percent of voters cast ballots in favor of seceding from Ukraine and joining the Russian Federation, Crimean citizens expressed their excitement Monday at participating in the de...
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Man Votes Early To Get Week Bragging About It Out Of Way

SCOTTSDALE, AZ—Saying he had been looking forward to casting his ballot and didn’t want to wait until November 8, local man David Keene, 36, reportedly voted early Thursday in order to get a week of bragging about it out of the way. “It’s much more convenient to go to the polls now and tell every single person I come into contact with during the upcoming week that I already voted; that way, I don’t have to worry about it at the last second,” said Keene, adding that it would be nice to be completely done showing coworkers his “I Voted” sticker and posting a picture of himself filling out his ballot on Facebook before everyone else heads to the polls next month. “I know I want to spend seven days fishing for compliments about doing my civic duty, so why not get it done with right away? It’s always such a pain to pedantically slip some of the names of the down-ballot candidates into conversations on the same day as everyone else, so it’s great to have this option.” Keene told reporters that he loved how easy his early voting location made it to complain about being tired because he had voted this morning before work.

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