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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

Aunt On Facebook Casually Advocates War Crime

WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Obama Discovers Telepathic Connection With Military Drone In Afghanistan

‘Our Minds Have Become One,’ Shaken President Says

WASHINGTON—Appearing frightened and confused by his unexplained new powers, President Barack Obama reportedly pulled members of the White House staff aside Wednesday to inform them of his recently discovered telepathic connection with an Afghanistan-based military drone.

Pentagon Holds Gala To Celebrate 25 Years Of Bombing Iraq

WASHINGTON—Bringing together the many civilian leaders and military strategists who helped them reach such a historic milestone, Pentagon officials held a lavish black-tie gala Sunday at which, sources said, they commemorated 25 years of the United States bombing Iraq.

Obama’s Plan For Fighting Extremism

President Obama spoke before gathered world leaders this week at a summit on extremism, discussing the root causes of such violence, weighing options for combating terrorist groups like ISIS and Boko Haram, and laying out a plan for curbing attacks.

Nation Admits It Could Probably Be Talked Into Another War

WASHINGTON—While they acknowledged that getting behind such a plan might take a little convincing, the American populace admitted this week that they could, in all likelihood, be talked into another war. Citizens across the nation told reporters tha...

LensCrafters, Pearle Vision Agree To Prisoner Exchange

BEAVERCREEK, OH—In a sign that tensions may at last be thawing between the bitter eyewear rivals, LensCrafters and Pearle Vision reportedly agreed to a prisoner exchange Thursday following months of negotiations. Officials confirmed that five LensCr...
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U.S. Funneling Arms To Dissident Angel Group In Effort To Topple God

The U.S. government is hoping militants such as these can sufficiently undermine the entrenched rule of the Almighty and pave the way for a supreme being more accommodating to American objectives in the heavenly realm.
The U.S. government is hoping militants such as these can sufficiently undermine the entrenched rule of the Almighty and pave the way for a supreme being more accommodating to American objectives in the heavenly realm.

THE HEAVENS—Blowing the lid off an ongoing plot to help destabilize His Eternal Kingdom, highly placed sources within the intelligence community revealed Friday that the United States has been funneling weapons to a dissident group of angels in an attempt to overthrow God.

According to the sources, who spoke on condition of anonymity because they were not authorized to discuss the matter, a CIA-orchestrated operation has provided firearms, ammunition, and financial support to the insurgent angels of the New Dawn Front, with the goal of deposing the longtime Heavenly Father and replacing Him with someone who will advance American interests in the region.

“For the past two years, agents have been supplying weapons and tactical assistance to a band of angelic resistance fighters who refuse to accept the ways of God and are now waging a guerilla war against Him,” said a source within the CIA, adding that the United States has grown increasingly concerned about the autocratic rule of the Almighty, whose power reportedly knows no limits. “The automatic rifles, heavy artillery, and actionable intelligence they have received from us have allowed them to conduct several operations against the Armies of Heaven, whose elite members are known for their fanatical devotion to the Lord.”

“Our military advisers have been instructed to assist the celestial rebellion in any way they can, even if that means eliminating God completely,” the source continued.

The United States has for years been at the center of efforts to isolate the Kingdom of Heaven, where the Lord wields absolute authority over every aspect of existence, banishing or torturing those disobedient to Him. He has reportedly been described as an unstable and dangerous despot whose complete power—wielded at times with almost sadistic arbitrariness—has been responsible for the deaths of billions.

The CIA is believed to have spearheaded several attempts to kill God over the years, but these schemes have been foiled each time due to the difficulty of preventing an omniscient being from obtaining advanced knowledge of an assassination plot.

When the New Dawn Front formed in 2014, the CIA reportedly began looking for ways to capitalize upon the unrest, overthrow God, and then replace Him with a friendlier deity that the U.S. could exert significant influence over. Sources said agents have already begun grooming archangels with pro-American sympathies for key leadership positions in a post-God heaven.

“The rebel band of angels has established a strong foothold within the firmament, and this success has allowed them to rally others to their cause, even a few powerful seraphim,” said one Pentagon official, describing how the “small but tenacious” rebellion recently ambushed and defeated 12 legions of counterrevolutionary angels sent by the Lord to smite them upon the green pastures of heaven. “Several fallen angels living in exile have also been tapped to join the insurgents, including longtime resistance members Arakiel, Nisroch, Belphegor, Samael, and Astaroth.”

“We can expect the movement to keep growing,” he continued. “Unsurprisingly, God’s made quite a few enemies.”

The official went on to reveal that if U.S. agents topple God, they also plan to remove God’s son, who is said to serve as the right hand of his father and to exert just as much, if not more, influence. The two are believed to have built a cult of personality around themselves in order to justify the limitless powers they possess.

“Many of those fighting for God only do so because they have no choice,” the source at the CIA said. “Their Lord demands total obedience. But given the opportunity to live their afterlives free from His tyranny, I’ve no doubt they will continue rising up.”

“In any case, if we overthrow God and find the new regime not to our liking, we can always call in reinforcements from hell,” he added. “They are staunchly pro-American.”

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