Hurricane Concerned It Caught Something In Panama City, Florida

Top Headlines


Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Dad Stares Longingly At Covered Grill In Backyard

‘I Haven’t Forgotten You,’ Father Softly Whispers

EUCLID, OH—Placing his right palm against the glass of the sliding back door as he softly whispered reassurances to the device, local father Paul Chesney, 48, spent nearly an hour Tuesday gazing longingly at the covered grill in his backyard, family sources reported.

Meteorologists Say Upcoming Hurricane Season To Be Permanent

SILVER SPRING, MD—Warning residents to prepare for extreme winds, heavy rainfall, and flooding starting in the near future and continuing indefinitely, meteorologists at the National Weather Service announced Friday that the upcoming hurricane season would be permanent.

Snow Shoveling Tips

In the midst of heavy winter blizzards, digging yourself out of the drifts can be both an inconvenient chore and a dangerous task linked to fatigue and heart attacks.

Family Lets Cars Come Inside House During Snowstorm

AMHERST, MA—In anticipation of significant snow accumulation and frigid temperatures brought on by a massive winter storm, the Wallace family reportedly decided to let their cars come inside the house Monday to keep warm during the blizzard.

Blizzard Survival Tips

Meteorologists are forecasting that a major blizzard will hit the Northeast starting Monday night, with more than two feet of snow potentially shutting down roads and keeping residents from New Jersey to Maine stuck in their homes.

Police Say Conditions Too Nippy To Rescue Missing Hiker

VAIL, CO—Noting that there was definitely a chill in the air, law enforcement officials confirmed Thursday that conditions were too nippy to continue search and rescue operations for Kyle Higgins, a 27-year-old hiker who has been missing for two day...

The Lasting Impact Of Climate Change

A new report released by the U.N. illustrated the wide-ranging effects that rising temperatures will have on the environment unless restrictions are placed on greenhouse gas emissions.

Determined Restaurant Patrons Tough It Out On Chilly Patio

CHICAGO—Steeling themselves against the occasional breeze and the cold of the wrought iron table and chairs against their skin, a group of determined restaurant-goers reportedly braved the slightly chilly temperature Thursday and dined on the outdoo...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Hurricane Concerned It Caught Something In Panama City, Florida

TALLAHASSEE, FL—Saying its eyewall had swollen up in a “pretty ugly way” in the time since it left the popular spring break and party destination, Hurricane Hermine expressed concern Friday that it had caught something while in Panama City. “Oh God, I definitely picked up something nasty there, because now it stings really bad every time I rain,” the Category 1 hurricane told reporters, adding that it was also concerned about the runny 87-mile-per-hour discharge it recently noticed coming from its clouds. “I’ll admit things got pretty wild last night, and there was that period that was a total blackout, but Jesus, now my convection currents are all enflamed. Ugh, I thought it would be fun to go a little crazy in Panama City; I really should have known better than to spend the night there.” At press time, a deeply embarrassed Hermine was circling back to inform all the communities it had had direct contact with since its stay in Panama City.


Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close