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Notable Female Writers Throughout History

Jane Austen died 200 years ago today, but she continues to be widely read and influential to today’s writers. The Onion highlights some of the most notable female authors throughout history.

Nation Unable To Discern Why Unattractive Woman On Screen

‘Maybe She’ll Be Attractive Later,’ Say Citizens

WASHINGTON—Expressing profound confusion and distress at what they were witnessing, the U.S. populace was unable to discern why an unattractive woman was suddenly on screen in front of them, sources reported Thursday.

Man Holding Hands With Pregnant Woman Must Have Weird Fetish

RED BANK, NJ—Testing the limits of what even the most progressive onlookers considered publicly acceptable, a man was seen by multiple witnesses Tuesday holding hands with a visibly pregnant woman in what many could only interpret as the expression of a bizarre fetish.

Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Woman Worried She Doing Bad Job Enjoying Massage

MALVERN, PA—Silently wondering throughout the hour-long appointment if there was anything she could be doing to enhance the experience, local woman Caitlyn Leigh reportedly worried Wednesday that she was doing a bad job enjoying the full-body massage she was receiving.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.
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Report: Rich Suitors Able To Correctly Guess Beautiful Woman’s Dress Size 92% Of Time

NEW YORK—Finding a remarkable consistency in such individuals’ predictive ability, a report released Wednesday by Columbia University found that rich suitors are able to correctly guess a beautiful woman’s dress size 92 percent of the time. “Our research shows that in more than nine out of ten cases, wealthy admirers can accurately determine a woman’s measurements based on sight alone and have a perfectly fitted evening gown or cocktail dress tailored for them virtually overnight,” said lead researcher Alison Yu, adding that, almost without fail, these dashing gentlemen were able to not only select a dress that was just right for an elegant night at the opera or a black-tie gala, but also somehow manage to leave it as a surprise in an ornate box on the woman’s bed with a handwritten note to simply “Wear this tonight.” “Perhaps even more remarkably, the suitors can guess details right down to the color of the necklace that precisely complements the woman’s eyes when they clasp it around her neck from behind.” The report went on to say, however, that in the remaining 8 percent of cases, the size estimates were wildly inaccurate, and the women received bedsheet-sized dresses tailored for someone eight feet tall.

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