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Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.
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New Report Finds U.S. Employees Most Engaged At Workplace While Working As Frontman Of Styx

CHICAGO—Saying it was by far the strongest predictor of high workplace morale, a new report released Thursday by researchers at the University of Chicago found that employees in the United States are most engaged at their jobs while working as the frontman of rock band Styx. “Whether they’re belting out power ballads like ‘Come Sail Away’ or straight-ahead guitar-driven hits like ‘Renegade,’ our findings consistently show that being the frontman of Styx is the most important factor in determining whether employees are fully invested in their jobs,” said lead author Ryan Sexton, whose research found that, across all demographic categories, workers were much more likely to put in extra hours and come in on weekends when they were traveling on a 26-stop cross-country United We Rock tour with REO Speedwagon. “Our data clearly indicates that employees are never more motivated than when donning a robot mask and performing ‘Mr. Roboto’ for a stadium of screaming fans as part of the Kilroy Was Here rock opera. They were also much more likely to take on additional synthesizer responsibilities of their own initiative.” Despite their robust levels of engagement, the report also found that workers employed as the frontman of Styx did not remain with the band throughout their career and were in fact laid off and replaced after a little more than a decade.

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