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Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing

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Boss Wants Friendly, Relaxed Company Culture In Place By Friday

SAN MATEO, CA—Warning of severe consequences if he didn’t see results, Pantheon Digital Consulting COO Daniel Abelson, 59, told employees Monday he wants a relaxed, friendly company culture implemented by the end of the week, sources within the organization confirmed.

Man Really Letting No One Have It During Exit Interview

SPRINGFIELD, MA—Keeping his voice at a measured volume and holding everything back, departing employee David Hughes was really letting no one have it during his exit interview Monday, sources at local accounting firm Grier and Associates confirmed.

Humanizing Detail Tacked Onto End Of New Board Member’s Bio

NEW YORK—In an effort to portray the recent appointee as something more than a lengthy list of job titles and academic credentials, the bio of new Brickell Capital board of directors member Michael G. Horvath reportedly featured a single humanizing detail tacked onto the very end, sources reported Tuesday.

Impressive New Hire Figures Out Bare Minimum Of Work Job Requires On First Day

MILWAUKEE—Marveling at his extraordinary ability to learn the ropes at the technology firm and quickly fit right in with the rest of his colleagues, sources at Starpoint Solutions confirmed Thursday that impressive new hire Eric Myers has already figured out the bare minimum of work his job requires on the very first day.

CEO Has Big Ideas To Grow Company’s Problems

NEW YORK—Laying out several new initiatives and detailed plans for implementing them in the upcoming weeks and months, Janneson Media CEO Adam Hamlin revealed to his staffers Thursday that he has some really big ideas for growing the company’s problems, sources reported.

Boss Able To Seamlessly Blend Constructive Criticism With Personal Attacks

SAN JOSE, CA—Marveling at the ease and deftness with which he communicates the two messages simultaneously, employees at local advertising firm Wavelength Solutions told reporters Tuesday that their supervisor Eric Crowell has a unique ability to seamlessly blend constructive criticism with cutting personal attacks.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.
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Ugh, This A Place Where Bartenders Wear Bow Tie

PITTSBURGH—Saying they should have known from the moment they walked in the unmarked speakeasy entrance and spotted the extensive wood paneling, customers confirmed Friday that, ugh, this is one of those places where the bartenders all wear bow ties.

Study: 90% Of Workplace Injuries Caused By Bare-Knuckle Boxing

CHAMPAIGN, IL—Researchers from the University of Illinois released a new study of occupational hazards Wednesday revealing that 90 percent of workplace injuries in the United States are caused by bare-knuckle boxing. “According to our data, roughly nine of every 10 injuries that occur on the job stem from incidents in which two employees stand up from their desks, roll up their sleeves, clench their raised hands in fists, and then circle each other before unleashing a barrage of gloveless blows,” said lead researcher Carol Skelton, adding that, while fisticuffs-related bruises, cuts, and bone fractures most often occur in large, open areas like lobbies and conference rooms, it was not uncommon for impromptu slugfests to break out in kitchenettes, server rooms, or between rows of cubicles. “Additionally, we found that the most severe instances of bodily harm in offices typically transpire when one worker has another pinned up against a whiteboard or printing station and is pummeling them with a brutal combination of vicious jabs and hooks. While employers can’t eliminate all workplace injuries, they can take common-sense measures to reduce them by strictly limiting rounds to three minutes each.” The study also found that nearly 100 hours of productivity are lost each year to employees crowding around pairs of sparring coworkers and shouting bets.

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