adBlockCheck

World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation

Top Headlines

World

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

ISIS Starting To Worry New Recruit Huge Psycho

RAQQA, SYRIA—Admitting that the recently arrived jihadist’s disturbing behavior was becoming a serious cause for concern, several ISIS members told reporters Friday they were starting to worry that new recruit Said Hassad was a huge psycho.

National Security Experts: ‘ISIS Are Fucking Assholes’

WASHINGTON—Updating the public about the deadly attacks carried out in Brussels yesterday by members of the Syria-based jihadist group, national security experts held a press conference in Washington this morning to notify Americans that ISIS are fucking assholes.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

World Leaders Pour Into Washington To Pay Last Respects To Dying Nation

WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation. “Given all this great country has achieved, I felt it was important to take the time to come here today in order to show my appreciation and say my final goodbyes,” said German chancellor Angela Merkel, one of over 200 presidents and prime ministers who flew to the U.S. capital to share their favorite memories of the 240-year-old nation and tell the country just how much it always meant to them before it was too late. “When it became clear that time was running out, I felt I had to come here and see this wonderful country one last time, as it has been a dear friend of ours. Sure, we didn’t see eye to eye on everything, but we knew it always meant well. While this is certainly a sad occasion, at least we can take comfort knowing that it had a full, rich life and that this was just its time to go.” Sources confirmed that Pakistan’s president, Mamnoon Hussain, delivered his deepest sympathies on behalf of the Chinese delegation, which was unable to make the trip.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close