adBlockCheck

Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit

Top Headlines

world leaders

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.”

Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure

NEW YORK—Treating the frail, long-overlooked structures with an unparalleled display of compassion, Pope Francis reportedly inspired a crowd of onlookers Friday by laying his hands upon the ailing United States infrastructure.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress

Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Parallel World Leaders Meet In Washington For Interdimensional Summit

Obama poses for a photo with visiting alternate world leaders, including Master Command Droid Barack O-3, Supreme Leader Dukakis, and some 1,500 single-celled dignitaries.
Obama poses for a photo with visiting alternate world leaders, including Master Command Droid Barack O-3, Supreme Leader Dukakis, and some 1,500 single-celled dignitaries.

WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.

Organizers confirmed President Obama has greeted heads of state from more than 2,000 alternative realities, a gathering of leaders that includes 139 different versions of himself, a parallel U.S. president Mitt Romney, a pulsing being of pure electrostatic energy, Earth-7491’s King Lyndon B. Johnson IV, and a hooded group of unspeaking figures known only as “the Council.”

The annual talks are expected to focus once again on brokering trade agreements among the parallel worlds, as well as officially admitting the governments of Neo-Pangea and the Corporate States of America, LLC into the group, and confronting the Roman Empire’s continued tyranny across much of the infinite set of possible world histories.

The Washington summit marks the third annual interdimensional gathering of parallel world leaders, following last year’s summit in Stalingrad and the 2014 summit held in a boundless expanse of undifferentiated grayness.

“Though we hail from vastly different cultures, political systems, and laws of physics, today we gather together to address the most pressing challenges of the multiverse head-on,” said Supreme Leader Michael Dukakis, president for life of the Pan-American People’s Republic, giving the summit’s opening address. “We must work together to fight the spread of hyperspatial neuro-pox, address the plight of refugees fleeing those universes that are rapidly contracting to a single point, and find ways to manage our respective Israeli-Palestinian conflicts.”

Dukakis later added, “I’d like to extend a special hello to those joining us by video conference, an accommodation we’ve provided to those distinguished leaders who could not be here in person because they cannot exist in fewer than 27 dimensions.”

According to sources, the tensest moment of the talks so far came about when a conjoined symbiotic entity composed of three Chancellor Angela Merkels arose and called for severing diplomatic relations with Earth-214X1, whose lengthy list of human rights abuses allegedly includes institutional discrimination and often brutal violence against left-handed peoples. The proposal reportedly led to heated debate among the delegates, with several representatives storming out of the proceedings either in protest or to be resupplied with life-sustaining strontium.

In a smaller breakout session held later in the day, however, representatives from Adams, D.C. reportedly achieved a major diplomatic victory after convincing recalcitrant delegates from New Tehran to submit to periodic third-party inspections of their telepathic weapons program.

On the agenda for later this week, high-ranking officials will discuss the future of the General Treaty of the Known Cosmological Expanse, which has been in effect since interdimensional standard year 10,494,385, but in recent eons has been violated repeatedly by the sentient bubbles of probability that inhabit Earth-4201(i2). Sources said the assembled leaders may vote as early as Saturday on whether to impose Bayesian statistical sanctions on the beings.

“The worlds represented here have engaged in their fair share of feuds in the past, between different ethnic groups, within the various digitized clone populations, and, of course, along mammal-reptile lines,” said a fetal diplomat known only as Riley from within his computer-controlled amniotic mech-sac. “But we always seem to find common ground. Most recently, we worked together to liberate millions from beneath the draconian boot heel of the Swiss.”

The Washington summit marks the third annual interdimensional gathering of parallel world leaders, following last year’s summit in Stalingrad and the 2014 summit held in a boundless expanse of undifferentiated grayness.

The key moment of the proceedings is likely to arrive tomorrow, according to experts, when President Obama is scheduled to come face-to-face with the 18-foot-tall half-human, half-prawn Galactic Overlord Obama. Political analysts have stated that if the president offers to shake one of the 26 hands of his crustaceanoid counterpart, it could signal a willingness to negotiate, but he may well avoid the handshake, fearing the gesture could be mistakenly interpreted as a sign that he tacitly accepts the overlord’s trafficking in mind-slaves from the Hyades cluster.

A number of experts, however, have criticized the summit, arguing that it brings together only representatives from the largest superpower universes and neglects the innumerable other realities of the broader multiverse, providing little more than a photo op for those members of the elite group who appear in the visible spectrum.

“The interdimensional summit has been accused of failing to address the most pervasive problems in the totality of existence, and that’s a fair criticism,” said 21st-term U.S. president Franklin D. Roosevelt. “I agree that we’ve come up short on many important issues. Honestly, I’m just hoping this time around we finally find the collective will to stand up to Vladimir Putin.”

“Especially before he evolves from his larval form into a far more dangerous full-grown adult,” he added.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close