Putin Starts Off Morning By Sitting Down To Write The Day’s News

In This Section

world leaders

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...

A Timeline Of U.S.-Israel Relations

A congressional visit from Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu that has reportedly rankled President Obama is the latest issue in what have often been strained diplomatic ties between the two countries.

Schlubs From U.S., China Meet In Lowest-Level Talks

BRISBANE, AUSTRALIA—In an effort to strengthen diplomatic ties between the global superpowers’ most oafish representatives, sources confirmed Thursday that schlubs from the United States and China met in Australia this week for a series of low...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Fantasy Sports

Little League Pitcher Just Getting Fucking Shelled

RED BANK, NJ—After watching the 11-year-old give up the fourth straight double that inning, sources confirmed Sunday afternoon that local Little League pitcher Dustin Bauer is getting absolutely fucking shelled out there.

Putin Starts Off Morning By Sitting Down To Write The Day’s News

MOSCOW—Saying he can’t imagine beginning his day without the pages spread out on his kitchen table, Russian president Vladimir Putin told reporters Thursday that he starts off each morning by sitting down to write the day’s news. “Every day before I go to work, I like to come downstairs, have a cup of coffee, and jot down some stories for my state-run media outlets,” said the Russian leader, adding that he occasionally only has time to scribble the front-page headlines when he’s in a hurry. “I typically start off writing whatever the big national and political news should be and then maybe work my way over to smaller stuff. As an autocratic ruler, I just think it’s my responsibility to manipulate what’s going on in the world.” Putin went on to say that he always looks forward to spending hours really sinking his teeth into manufacturing the news on Sundays.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More