Who Is Queen Elizabeth II?

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A Timeline Of U.S.–Cuba Relations

As President Obama visits Cuba in an effort to restore diplomatic ties with the U.S., The Onion looks at pivotal moments in the tension-filled history of U.S.–Cuba relations.

Goals Of The Paris Climate Talks

Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks

Goals Of The U.N. General Assembly

The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly:

Horrified Pope Calls Philadelphia Humanity’s Greatest Sin Against God

PHILADELPHIA—Visibly aghast as he took the pulpit at the Cathedral Basilica of Saints Peter and Paul in Philadelphia to deliver a sermon Saturday, a horrified Pope Francis reportedly referred to the city as a “blighted abomination, forsaken by Heaven” and “humanity’s greatest sin against God.”

Pope Francis Lays Hands On Ailing U.S. Infrastructure

NEW YORK—Treating the frail, long-overlooked structures with an unparalleled display of compassion, Pope Francis reportedly inspired a crowd of onlookers Friday by laying his hands upon the ailing United States infrastructure.

Obama Scrambling Around White House Kitchen Before State Dinner

WASHINGTON—Darting back and forth from refrigerator to sink to prep table while hurriedly preparing 350 hand-carved radish rosettes, a visibly agitated President Obama reported Friday that everything must be absolutely perfect for tonight’s state dinner in honor of Chinese president Xi Jinping.

Highlights Of Pope Francis’ Speech To Congress

Pope Francis began the third day of his U.S. trip by delivering an address to the joint houses of Congress, advising them on a few key issues such as climate change, immigration, and division of wealth. Here are the highlights of the pontiff’s speech:

A Primer On Pope Francis’ Views

Pope Francis has garnered much international attention in the first two and a half years of his papacy, taking a more liberal approach to women’s issues, the family unit, and the environment than his predecessors. Here is a primer on prominent global issues and the pope’s views on them:

U.S. Soothes Upset Netanyahu With Shipment Of Ballistic Missiles

WASHINGTON—Following Israeli prime minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s heated objections to the nuclear deal struck between the United States and Iran, American officials announced Tuesday that they were calming the upset head of government by treating him to a nice, big shipment of ballistic missiles.

U.S. Worried About Living Up To Netanyahu Campaign Promises

WASHINGTON—Saying the Likud Party leader had set Israeli citizens’ expectations extremely high in the run up to his reelection Tuesday, top-level sources expressed their worry Wednesday about whether the United States would actually be able to...
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Who Is Queen Elizabeth II?

Here’s what you need to know about Britain’s longest-reigning monarch, who celebrates her 90th birthday today.

  • Net Worth: $2.3 thousand
  • Length Of Reign: 1952-2174
  • Plans For 90th Birthday: Eat one of the crown jewels
  • Claim To Throne: Beheaded her uncle Edward VIII and personally carried out execution of his wife and children in blood-soaked event known as The Jubilee of Terrors
  • Crown Size: XXL
  • Coat Of Arms: Two corgis fucking
  • Ruling Style: Inertia
  • Greatest Accomplishment: Three goals, two assists during England’s 1966 victorious World Cup run
  • Greatest Personal Losses: Zimbabwe, Qatar, Kenya, Belize, Princess Diana, Yemen, Guyana, Fiji, Botswana
  • Number Of British Celebrities She Has Accidentally Stabbed During Knighting Ceremony: Four
  • Catchphrase: “Did somebody say Queen Elizabeth?”
  • Office Hours: Wednesdays 4-6
  • Number Of Times She’s Dreamt Of Slipping Out Of Buckingham Palace In Civilian Clothes, Never To Be Heard From Again: 650,000
  • Had To Say “I Dub Thee Sir Bono”: Yes
  • Petitions To Let Terminally Ill Young Girl Be Queen For A Day She’s Turned Down: 8,372

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