BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.
VATICAN CITY—Receiving protection against chemical, environmental, and immoral hazards in the workplace, Pope Francis reportedly began wearing a miter fitted with a hard polycarbonate faceshield this week to comply with the Vatican’s new health and safety standards.
The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture
PYONGYANG—Experiencing a deep sense of nostalgia while sifting through the stack of old papers, North Korean supreme leader Kim Jong-un reportedly stumbled onto childhood drawings Monday that he had made of nuclear attacks on the West.
VATICAN CITY—In an effort to strengthen their relationship and foster interfaith dialogue, Pope Francis reportedly welcomed the winged Mayan snake god Kukulkan to the Vatican this week as part of a month-long deity exchange program.
VATICAN CITY—Saying the wicked little creature had probably crept out of some crack that led to Hell, Pope Francis reportedly crushed a small demon beneath his shoe Friday as it crawled across his papal apartment floor.
ATHENS, GREECE—Following a sudden high-pitched squeal of audio feedback, the 11 million citizens of Greece were reportedly woken up at 6 a.m. Wednesday by German chancellor Angela Merkel informing them over loudspeakers that it was time for work.
TEHRAN—Playfully ribbing the group of journalists who had filed into the bare concrete room for the event, Ayatollah Ali Khamenei reportedly addressed a crowded prison mess hall during Iran’s annual press correspondents’ dinner Thursday night.
WASHINGTON—Bowing their heads as they solemnly shuffled single-file past Capitol Hill, leaders from around the world reportedly poured into Washington, D.C. this week to pay their last respects to the dying nation.
VATICAN CITY—Racing frantically through St. Peter’s Square toward the sound of the Supreme Pontiff’s agonized cries, members of the Vatican’s Swiss Guard reportedly charged and surrounded a colossal writhing mass of black tentacles Wednesday that was devouring Pope Francis.
WASHINGTON—In the wake of Prime Minister David Cameron’s announcement that he would leave office following the United Kingdom’s vote to exit the European Union, tens of millions of Americans expressed their confusion to reporters Friday about a system of government in which a leader would resign after making a terrible decision.
HAVANA—Officially closing the brief period of eased tensions between the two countries, the United States government severed all diplomatic ties to Cuba today after President Obama was reportedly hit in the face by a foul ball while attending an exhibition baseball game between the Cuban national team and the Tampa Bay Rays.
AOSTA, ITALY—Pushing himself to the physical brink in the bitter cold wilderness high in the Alps, Pope Francis reportedly began training Friday for this year’s upcoming Easter Mass by dragging a wooden pew loaded with rocks across the snow.
WASHINGTON—Teleporting via wormhole from points across all of space and time, thousands of parallel world leaders have arrived in Washington, D.C. for this year’s interdimensional summit, sources reported Wednesday.
Over 150 world leaders are meeting in Paris this week to address the global effects of climate change in the hopes that a unified international effort can avert grave future consequences for the planet. Here are the major goals of the Paris climate talks
VATICAN CITY—Explaining how he rarely goes more than an hour or two without hearing from one of them or another, Pope Francis revealed to reporters Tuesday that God is just one of many immortal beings who speak to him on a daily basis.
The 70th United Nations General Assembly takes place this week, with member countries focusing on plans to address global sustainability, economic growth, and the Syrian refugee crisis, among other major topics. Here are the main goals of this year’s assembly: