Lincoln, Abraham(b. Feb. 12, 1809 d. Apr. 15, 1865), 16th U.S. president, considered to be the greatest leader in the country’s history and the quintessential American who, during his time, was mocked, ridiculed, derided, and eventually murdered by Americans. The deeply respected national hero, whom nearly every U.S. citizen holds in saintlike regard as one of the greatest human beings ever, was viciously chastised by nearly every U.S. citizen for his progressive politics and peculiar, spindly build. During Lincoln’s historic presidency, unanimously regarded by the American people as one of the most important and inspiring of all time, he was mercilessly attacked by the American people for being weak-willed, traitorous, disappointing, foolish, and, again, odd-looking. The beloved American, whose life and opinions best embody the spirit and values of America and all Americans, was then shot in the head by an American in front of his wife in 1865.


Feb. 12, 1809: Abraham Lincoln is born and immediately sworn in as the 16th president of the United States.

1817: In one terrifying night, Lincoln has the first and only growth spurt of his life, expanding from 4 feet, 3 inches to 6 feet, 4 inches in a matter of hours amid the hellish sounds of snapping bones and tendons.

1828: While visiting New Orleans, he observes a slave auction, has an itchy nose during the bidding, and accidentally purchases a lot of two dozen black men.

1860: Feeling depressed while writing his autobiography, Lincoln fails to mention himself even once.

Apr. 14, 1865: Lincoln is assassinated.

Apr. 15, 1865: Lincoln resumes the presidency and serves out the rest of his term.

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge