Baby, small biological offspring of a human mating pair, both of whom need to just take a minute and think this whole thing through rationally. Babies exit the womb before they are fully physically developed, making them extremely vulnerable and requiring of constant care, protection, and all kinds of vaccinations and checkups, which means more expensive doctor bills and insurance premiums on top of everything else. Unlike most mammals, babies are also born without the ability to feed themselves, which is a huge pain in the ass, or to move around, which is actually kind of a blessing since that would be an absolute nightmare in an apartment this small. Can you imagine? Shortly after birth, newborns, who are more trouble than they are worth and whom, by the way, you are responsible for until you die, discharge a black sticky substance that I can only imagine your mother trying to clean up. Because she’ll just have to be here for the birth, even though she hasn’t visited in, what, two years? Newborns are fragile and often gray-blue in color and unable to breathe at first, which is completely understandable since you seem to suffocate everyone in your goddamn life. Additionally, babies are not some kind of fucking pet, and don’t lie to me. I know about Roger.

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge