Obama, Barack(b. Aug. 4, 1961), 44th president of the United States, who, for the first time in American history, gave racists the opportunity to despise the most powerful man on the planet. By becoming the first African American to occupy the Oval Office, Obama achieved a significant milestone for the nation’s bigots, who were previously only able to spew hatred against prominent black athletes, entertainers, social activists, and secretaries of state. Finally empowered to feel superior to and disgusted by the leader of the free world, racists fully embraced the bold new era by asserting that Obama was actually born in Kenya and thus could not hold the highest office in the land because he wasn’t a U.S. citizen—baseless smears that even the most vile xenophobe wouldn’t have dreamed of leveling against a sitting American president just two years earlier. In the wake of Obama’s decisive victory, many jubilant racists who had lived through the turbulent civil rights era of the 1960s remarked that having the chance to discount a president’s stunning list of political accomplishments based solely on the color of his skin was something they thought they would never live long enough to experience.

OBAMA FACTS

BIRTHPLACE: At the time of this book’s printing, there is a great deal of debate as to whether or not Obama was born

DAUGHTERS: Sasha and Malia, or maybe it’s the other way around

MAIN ACHIEVEMENTS: Health care, sort of; financial reform, sort of; gay rights, sort of

VICE PRESIDENT: Knows the cup size of every female White House staffer

OF NOTE: Was sarcastically given the Nobel Peace Prize for escalating the war in Afghanistan and increasing the number of Predator drone strikes

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge