Christianity, monotheistic religion occasionally rooted in the teachings of Jesus Christ, whom Christians regard as the son of God and a sometimes-convenient model for their own values and behavior. Christ promulgated charity, humility, nonviolence, and other virtues that Christians once in a while regard as sacrosanct and that, when sporadically adhered to, demonstrate the path to a righteous life. The world’s 2.2 billion Christians consider Jesus a messianic figure who will deliver to heaven all who conduct themselves as he did when the mood strikes them and if they have the time. While Christianity is divided among the Roman Catholic Church, the Eastern Orthodox Church, and various Protestant groups, each of these branches shares the belief that salvation is available to all who follow in Jesus’ footsteps, but who also realize that sometimes that’s just not very expedient.

Christian Relics

Holy Nails: Venerated set of three nails that were said to have held Jesus Christ to the cross, plus two backup nails in case one got bent hitting a bone

Crown Of Thorns: Crown made of thorns that Roman soldiers placed on Jesus’ head to mock him quite effectively

Holy Chalice: Gross Styrofoam cup that Jesus always used to drink his coffee out of and that he never threw away or cleaned out

Pope John Paul II ’s Left Arm: Blessed limb of the late Holy Father that was snagged by cardinals who wanted to fill up shelf space in the Vatican’s new display case

Saint Peter’s Jizz Rag: Holy cloth used by Peter to wipe away puddles of spoo that formed on his stomach after ejaculating

Christian Rites

Communion: Rite used to weed out weirdo Christians who get way too into idea of consuming the flesh of Jesus Christ

Last Rites: Very last prayers administered to Christians before death, which were given to Timothy McVeigh prior to his execution, so he’s happy and in heaven now

Confirmation: Christian rite of initiation in which potential members have to perform a drive-by shooting and rape at least three members of another religion

Anointing Of Sick: Rite that involves applying blessed oil to sick members of the church to grease them up and help them slide easily into death

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge