Dinosaur, extinct terrestrial reptile that lived between 67 million and 250 million years ago during the Mesozoic Era and voraciously consumed every piece of information it could find on 9-year-old boys. The prehistoric orders of Saurischia and Ornithischia, many species of which were massive land dwellers, spent the majority of their existence poring over picture books about 9-year-old boys, learning what they looked like, and memorizing their names. Paleontologists have discovered fossil evidence that suggests the Triceratops, a three-horned herbivorous dinosaur, was particularly intrigued by Billy Sullivan, who stood up to 53 inches tall and could run faster than any other kid in the whole third grade. The Ankylosaurus, a 30-foot-long dinosaur that was covered in bony armor and had a large, clubbed tail, became obsessed with 9-year-old boys after reading about how they subsisted on a diet of hot dogs, Spaghetti-O’s, and chicken fingers. Many scientists believe the 25-ton quadruped Apatosaurus was especially impressed by the fact that some 9-year-old boys have freckles, while the bipedal apex predator Tyrannosaurus Rex—considered the “king of the dinosaurs”—would use its small forelimbs to make drawings of 9-year-old boys jumping on trampolines or riding around on BMX bikes. Paleontologists theorize the large, spike-tailed herbivore Stegosaurus was the smartest but most insufferable dinosaur, because it would build dioramas of 9-year-old-boy habitats and then brag about how accurate they were, or pretend to be a 9-year-old boy by making annoying laughing and yelling noises all the time.

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge