Bush, George W.(b. July 6, 1946), 43rd president of the United States, who received the presidency as a gift for his 54th birthday from his parents, George and Barbara. Using his connections in the Supreme Court, Bush’s father was able to pull a few strings at the last minute to get his son the extravagant present, which the younger Bush accepted despite his disappointment over not receiving the Ford Mustang he had repeatedly requested. Although Bush enjoyed the parade held in his honor, he grew bored of the Oval Office after a few months, so his buddies Dick and Donald orchestrated the military invasion of Afghanistan to cheer him up and give Bush something to do. Bush also received a second presidential term as an early Christmas present in 2004, not long after inheriting his father’s old war.

BUSH FACTS

MAIN ACHIEVEMENT: Extended Daylight Saving Time

BIGGEST REGRET: Never attended a Cabinet meeting

NICKNAMES: “Old Fuckup,” “Old Massive Fuckup,” “Old Huge Pile Of Fuckup,” “Squirt”

FAMOUS QUOTE: “I think there is a chance I am not doing a very good job.” —Second inaugural address

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge