Global Warming, gradual heating of the earth’s temperature caused largely by mankind’s emission of greenhouse gases, and a process that can only be reversed if, oops, never mind, because we actually just now passed the exact point of ever being able to undo the horrifying effects of climate change. According to climatologists, rising CO2 levels must be contained before it is too late, which it now is, or the world populace will experience severe food shortages, widespread drought, and the mass extinction of thousands of plant and animal species. Climate change is also believed to be responsible for the thawing of the polar ice caps—the melting of which is irreversible as of eight seconds ago—and will in turn lead to the incomprehensibly destructive flooding of the entire Eastern Seaboard of the United States in 60 years. Well, 59 years, 364 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes. In order to reduce one’s own impact, experts recommend using energy-efficient products, carpooling to work, and not relying on air-conditioning so much, though they may as well recommend taking out a gun and shooting yourself in the fucking head right now, because by the time you finish reading this, any fleeting hope of somehow changing this collision course with global destruction will be forever lost, and we all need to face the fact that everyone and everything we’ve ever loved will soon be annihilated by the raging forces of nature, and that civilization itself will either be wiped out or plunged into anarchy as we all stand by helplessly, waiting to drown, die of starvation, or burn to death.

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge