Internet, worldwide electronic network populated by web skaters, e-hustlers, modem punks, cyber chatters, code warriors, holochumps, techno bums, and digijackers, all scaling the super-data techno grid in search of virtuo-entertainment, iFortunes, and trouble. Online trekkers enter the Internet by hiring an info-navigator, or “chip jockey,” to jack them into the cyberzone by plugging directly into the etherstream interface to transfer thoughts, memories, and personalities to a binary web sojourner. For these Nexxus-monkeys, the digital domain is a pixelated playground of multi-dimensional locales and wild e-saloons, where they can upload intoxicating WhiskeyFiles and hire synthetic concubines to experience a simulated fornication program. Although thousands of net-settlers scroll across the binary realms, hoping to strike it rich on a data mine claim, the Virtual Plane is a lawless digital frontier overrun with compu-criminals and ruled by the brutal neuro-mob, which has no respect for artificial life if it stands in the way of making a quick credit. Plagued by illegal kilobyte trafficking and e-mercenaries staging brazen giga-heists, the Internet’s circuit rails are no longer safe for casual online explorers—known derisively as couch-pluggers—who come into contact with unscrupulous cyberdwellers and get permanently booted offline.
Articles under "Internet"
Hoaxed Linebacker Manti Te'o Now Dating 'Scarlett Johansson's Head On Jenny McCarthy's Body'
After falling for an Internet romance hoax, linebacker Manti Te'o has finally found love with an amazing women who looks like two famous actresses ...
The Onion's Other Top Newsmakers Of 2012
Greg Ogletree: The Man Inside The Mars Rover NASA employee Greg Ogletree, the man seated inside the Mars rover Curiosity, inspired the nation this year ...
Internet Users Demand Less Interactivity
'We Just Want To Visit Websites And Look At Them,' Users Say
SAN FRANCISCO—Tired of being bombarded with constant requests to share content on social media, bestow ratings, leave comments, and generally “join in on the ...
Naked Woman Picture Gains Popularity On Internet
SAN FRANCISCO—Analysts say the nude-lady photo falls outside typical uses for the Internet, such as checking e-mail or accessing tax laws and driving directions.
Internet Scam Alert: Most "Kickstarter" Projects Just Useless Crap
Internet criminals are using a website called "Kickstarter" to bilk friends and families out of money for terrible, ill-conceived, and unnecessary "personal projects."
Al Qaeda Attacks Internet With Photo Of Adorable Piglet
The irresistibly cute photo was forwarded millions of times before servers collapsed.
Widening Petraeus Scandal Reveals Human Race Has Been Having Sex For 200,000 Years
WASHINGTON—Following the recent revelation that former CIA director David Petraeus conducted a protracted extramarital affair with his biographer Paula Broadwell, sources confirmed today that ...
Number Of Users Who Actually Enjoy Facebook Down To 4
WASHINGTON—A comprehensive and groundbreaking new report released Monday by the Pew Research Center’s Internet and American Life Project has found that only four ...
Internet Outage Forces Public Into Street To Voice Their Inane Opinions
After a cyber attack brings the internet to a halt, Americans must physically go outside to tell people how much they love BBQ or what ...
'Huffington Post' Employee Sucked Into Aggregation Turbine
Horrified Workers Watch As Colleague Torn Apart By Powerful Content-Gathering Engine
NEW YORK—Shocked and saddened witnesses at the Huffington Post's news-aggregation facility have confirmed that employee Henry Evers, 25, died Wednesday ...
Iceland May Ban Online Pornography
The Icelandic government may use Internet filters to block citizens from viewing pornography online, potentially becoming the first Western democracy to impose strict Internet blocking ...
Rats’ Brains Connected Via Internet
Creating the first ever brain-to-brain interface, scientists have connected the brains of lab rats via Internet cables, allowing the animals to communicate motor information to ...
Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D.
Anonymous Declares Cyberwar On Israel
In retaliation for Israel’s threat to cut off Internet access in Gaza, the shadowy hacker collective Anonymous launched attacks on 700 Israeli websites, downing ...
Arianna Huffington Unveils New 'Huffington Man' Aggregated From 84 Different Humans
NEW YORK—Declaring the creation a worthy follow-up to her widely successful news aggregation website, media magnate Arianna Huffington unveiled today her latest project known ...
Area Man On Personal Mission To Explain Why Universally Enjoyed Things Are Bad
RICHMOND, VA—Describing it as “his life’s calling,” local man Gary Lerner, 31, revealed Thursday that he is on a personal quest to enlighten ...
Uncle Ben's To Compete Against Apple With Brand-New Smartphone
HOUSTON—Hoping to boost profits by cutting into the valuable market share currently occupied by Apple's popular iPhone 4S, top American rice manufacturer Uncle ...
Nation Horrified To Learn About War In Afghanistan While Reading Up On Petraeus Sex Scandal
WASHINGTON—As they scoured the Internet for more juicy details about former CIA director David Petraeus’ affair with biographer Paula Broadwell, Americans were reportedly horrified ...
9/11 Truther Convinced Government Destroyed Past 11 Years Of His Life
PROVIDENCE, RI—Citing “overwhelming evidence,” 9/11 Truth movement adherent Dennis E.




















