Kennedy, John F. (b. May 29, 1917 d. Nov. 22, 1963), beloved 35th U.S. president whose heartbreaking assassination made an entire generation of Americans vow only to elect candidates to whom they wouldn’t get too attached. Following the tragic 1963 event, millions of voters decided to support candidates who were just so-so or outright bad, leading to the elections of such presidents as Richard Nixon, Jimmy Carter, and George W. Bush, all of whom lacked the charisma, charm, and magnetism of President Kennedy and allowed the populace to feel safely disconnected. Continually putting mediocre presidents into the Oval Office has allowed the nation to move through the traumatic events of Bill Clinton’s impeachment and the attempted assassination of Ronald Reagan with the utmost indifference. This phenomenon also explains why adored candidates such as Walter Mondale and H. Ross Perot were never elected.


EDUCATION: Attended scale replica of Harvard College that his father had built for him in backyard

MAIN ACHIEVEMENT: Got assassinated before he could escalate the Vietnam War and destroy his own legacy

SECRET SERVICE CODE NAMES: Dipstick, Pipe, Sausage, Obelisk, Missile, Rod

PRECISE MOMENT AT WHICH HE SHOULD HAVE DUCKED: 12:29:58.01 p.m., November 22, 1963

LAST WORDS: “Jackie, quick, give me a blow job”

HAIR CARE REGIMEN: Alberto VO5 massaged into scalp, hair artfully swept back with three quick passes of the comb

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge