Kitchen, if another room contains more knives than this room, get out of that house.
Articles under "Kitchen"
Fuck, Roommates Want To Have Meeting
BROOKLYN, NY—Sitting in the living room of his apartment Wednesday, a visibly anxious Drew Johnson told reporters that, fuck, his roommates want to have ...
Woman Has Bizarre Ability To Share Details About Personal Life With Parents
PHILADELPHIA—Seated in the kitchen of her tastefully decorated apartment, local woman Jessica Beaumont looks the part of a typical young urbanite navigating life in ...
Romney Just Saying He Grew Up Poor In Memphis Now
RENO, NV—Abandoning his campaign’s previous strategies for winning over undecided voters in advance of November’s presidential election, sources are reporting that Republican ...
Your Horoscopes – Week Of March 5, 2013
Aries The stars don’t understand how you can sleep at night after everything that you’ve done, though they’re mostly just referring to ...
The Onion's Guide To Hosting A Perfect Thanksgiving
Every host wants to pull off the perfect holiday gathering with a delicious, stress-free meal that leaves friends and family happy and satisfied.
Neighborhood Flocks To Coffee Shop Bulletin Board To Read About Fun Upcoming Events
LAWRENCE, KS—A nearly uncontrollable excitement once again gripped residents of this small Midwestern city Thursday as they flocked in droves to see local coffee ...
Keith Richards' Housekeeper Has Braced Herself For Finding Dead Body Every Morning Since 1976
WESTON, CT—Since her first day on the job in October 1976, Keith Richards' housekeeper Rosemary Velasquez, 64, has mentally and emotionally prepared herself every ...
Everyone At Office Planning Shooting Spree For Same Day
KANSAS CITY, MO—Unbeknownst to one another, every single member of the office staff at Kelleher Advertising Associates is planning to carry out a workplace ...
Arby's Now Charging $2.99 To Let Customers Go Behind Counter, Grab Handfuls Of Roast Beef
ATLANTA—During a press event at Arby's headquarters last week, the company officially launched its new $2.99 Grab-N-Go Meal Deal, which allows patrons ...
Supreme Court Overturns 'Right v. Wrong'
WASHINGTON—Striking down the judicial precedent that established the legal supremacy of right over wrong more than two centuries ago, the U.S.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
HARTFORD, CT—Moving swiftly and discreetly like CIA field agents on some kind of black-ops mission to infiltrate a terrorist cell in a hostile country ...
Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies ...
Area Man Going To Sit Quietly In Darkened Bedroom Until Roommate’s Party Ends
AUSTIN, TX—Saying that he “really doesn’t know anyone out there,” local man Matt Kremer, 24, announced Friday night that he plans on sitting ...
Mom Calmly Emptying Dishwasher As If Shrieking Argument Didn’t Happen 10 Minutes Ago
RUTLAND, VT—Kitchen sources reported Wednesday that local mom Tina Reyes is currently emptying the dishwasher with an impressively calm disposition, betraying no sign of ...
Roommate Food Pyramid Updated To Include 4 Servings Of Someone Else's Grains, Cereals Per Day
WASHINGTON—The U.S. Department of Agriculture rolled out changes to its Roommate Food Pyramid for the first time in years Wednesday, revising the dietary ...
Report: Mom Just Locked Her Door
ROANOKE, VA—Speculation persists as to what could have provoked Mom’s tense exit, with some citing the failure of Tyler to pick up his ...
Man Wakes Up From Bender With Financial Problems Solved
EUGENE, OR—Though he has only the haziest memories of what happened between the time he left work Friday evening and woke up late Sunday ...























