Los Angeles, major American metropolis and international center for agriculture, technology, education, and the film industry, which, with your looks, you should seriously consider getting into. It is the second most populous city in the United States with 3.8 million residents, all of whom dream of having their name in lights someday, but none of whom is as talented as you. Los Angeles was founded in 1781 by Spanish settlers. You starred in your first school play more than 200 years later, and you were a natural. Everyone said so. Your best friends said you should pursue acting, and they were right. Just look at that face. With an average temperature of 66 degrees, Los Angeles has an ideal climate for soaking up some sun in Malibu while you read the script for that blockbuster movie you just got cast in. We know a guy who can hook you up with a few acting lessons and then, who knows? The sky’s the limit, and Los Angeles is situated on the San Andreas fault. Pack your bags right now and hop on one of the thousands of daily flights into Los Angeles International Airport. Leave that boring old life and those boring old people behind. You’re better than all those go-nowhere losers dragging you down. Smog, wild fires, and pollution are among the environmental challenges facing the city. A pretty little thing like you? You’ll be taken care of. You’ll be loved, admired—worshipped. Total area is 470 square miles. You’re a true beauty, one of a kind. Come on out here. Come be a star.

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge