Time, one of the seven fundamental physical quantities in the International System of Units, used to measure the interval between the moment this all got out of hand and the moment she finally finds out. There are two prevailing views on how time functions: Newtonian time states that time is an empirical, universal flow extending from the point at which this was just a casual fling where no one was getting hurt to the point when that crazy bitch started threatening to call Natalie and tell her what’s been going on unless you promise to leave her and the kids. Relativistic time, conversely, theorizes that time and space are interconnected, and that time can be experienced differently along vectors such as speed and distance, evidenced by how sometimes it can seem as though things are moving way, way too quickly and you just need a minute to clear your head, and at other points it seems like time is standing still and you feel trapped like a fucking rat in your life with no way out. Time is an important measurement tool in the various disciplines of physics and can be used for solving problems as fundamental as determining how long it would take to strangle the life out of someone, dump the body where no one would ever find it, and still be home in plenty of time to sit down and enjoy pizza night with your family.

From The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge