War, first resort in conflict resolution before opposing nations are forced to engage in diplomacy. Hoping to prevent a drawn-out, nightmarish round of statesmanship that could result in hundreds of thousands of lives saved, two or more embittered nations first try to overcome their differences by deploying their armed forces to kill as many of the other side’s soldiers as possible. If the unrelenting use of lethal force breaks down and warring parties find themselves on the brink of diplomacy—a tragic scenario both sides work to avoid at all costs—they are left with no other choice than to abandon their wholesale slaughter and meet face to face to civilly divide up contested territory. Often, however, a clear victor will emerge before war spirals into an all-out ceasefire, saving that nation’s citizens from ever having to witness the horrors of nonviolent compromise.
Articles under "War"
Obama Openly Asks Nation Why On Earth He Would Want To Serve For Another Term
PITTSBURGH—Citing three years of exhausting partisan politics, constant gridlock in Congress, and an overall feeling that the entire nation has "completely lost it," President ...
Purity Of War Marred By One Bad Apple In Afghanistan
A study finds that newborn infants can tell if their parents are losers, all 6.5 million residents of Indiana join together to form a ...
U.S. Military Desperate To Be Handed Just One Solid War It Can Knock Out Of The Park
ARLINGTON, VA—Reportedly fed up with complicated and protracted operations overseas, top Pentagon officials acknowledged this week they were desperate to be given just one ...
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
NEW YORK—Responding to recent events on Earth, God, the omniscient creator-deity worshipped by billions of followers of various faiths for more than 6,000 ...
Commanding General In Afghanistan Has No Idea How War Is Going, Just Trying To Ignore It At This Point
KABUL, AFGHANISTAN—Admitting he hasn't been following combat operations all that closely lately, Gen.
New Study Finds 85% Of Americans Don't Know All The Dance Moves To National Anthem
BOSTON—According to a survey published Wednesday by historians at Boston University, more than 85 percent of Americans are unfamiliar with the upbeat, traditional dance ...
Unpopular BCS Crowns Alabama National Champions, Endorses Rick Santorum, Spits On World War II Veteran, Pushes Elderly Woman Down Flight Of Stairs, Wishes Osama Bin Laden Were Still Alive
NEW ORLEANS—During a postgame ceremony Monday in which the Bowl Championship Series controversially awarded the Alabama Crimson Tide the 2012 NCAA championship trophy...
Person Who Will One Day Become Warlord-Ruler Of What Was Once Nebraska Born In Omaha Hospital
BELLEVUE, NE—Shortly after 8 a.m. Tuesday, Landon Matthew Crowley, a 7-pound, 14-ounce baby boy and the future warlord who will rule over the ...
New Photos Reveal Stress Of Obama's First Term In Office Has Rapidly Aged Americans
WASHINGTON—Recent side-by-side photographic comparisons of Americans before and after he assumed the presidency have confirmed the stress of Barack Obama's time in the ...
Homesick Kid On Sleepover Needs To Just Tough It The Fuck Out
MEDFORD, OR—Considering that everyone else at Kevin Brown's sleepover party is having a great time and not freaking out about missing their mommies ...
Bush: 'Our Long National Nightmare Of Peace And Prosperity Is Finally Over'
WASHINGTON, DC—Mere days from his inauguration, president-elect Bush vowed to undo the damage not done by the Clinton Administration.
Are Violent Video Games Adequately Preparing Children For The Apocalypse?
Panelists debate whether games like Fallout 3 and Gears Of War 2 are teaching children skills they'll really need in the End Times.
Vatican Dispatches Elite Team Of Bishops To Sabotage Contraceptive Manufacturer
VATICAN CITY—Anonymous sources within the Vatican confirmed Tuesday that Pope Benedict XVI has dispatched a crack team of six highly skilled bishops to sabotage ...
Physicists Discover Our Universe Is Fictional Setting Of Cop Show Called 'Hard Case'
PALO ALTO, CA—A report released Tuesday by physicists at Stanford University has revealed that the entire known universe—including the whole of human civilization ...
World War II Veteran Allowed To Kill One Last German
EMPORIA, KS—WWII fighter pilot Herman Porter, 87, has been appealing to the federal government since 1948 for the right to kill one last German ...
In The Know: How Can We Make The War In Iraq More Eco-Friendly?
Panelists discuss ways to wage a greener war in Iraq, such as driving biodegradable tanks and shocking detainees' testicles with wind power.
'Game Of Thrones' Running Out Of Unkempt Old Men To Cast
LOS ANGELES—According to insider sources, the future of HBO's Game Of Thrones is currently in doubt, with the hit fantasy series facing a ...
Pentagon Reports Army Mascot 'Liberty' Killed in Iraq
Appointed by Bush in 2003 to distract from the horrors of war, Liberty's antics turned fatal yesterday when he cart-wheeled into a roadside bomb.






















