Washington, D.C., city on the Potomac River that became the U.S. capital in 1790, and was considered an obvious choice since it was already home to the White House, the Capitol Building, the Supreme Court, the U.S. Constitution, the Federal Reserve Bank, the Pentagon, the National Archives, the Martin Luther King, Jr., Memorial, the Department of Homeland Security, and almost 200 foreign embassies. Prior to 1790, both Philadelphia and New York City served as capitals, though neither made as much sense as D.C. because they lacked a National Mall, the Jefferson Memorial, the FDR Memorial, the president of the United States, the Department of Justice, and all three branches of government. Washington, D.C., is expected to remain the U.S. capital indefinitely, unless Chicago, San Francisco, or Toledo, Ohio, manages to construct better buildings for every department of the government, establish local headquarters for several hundred national and international governing bodies, and dig new graves for the roughly 300,000 soldiers buried in Arlington National Cemetery.
Articles under "Washington D.C."
Obama Criticized For Living In Lavish Mansion While Most Americans Struggle To Make Ends Meet
132-Room Estate Includes Personal Chef, 24-Hour Security Detail
WASHINGTON—Over the past three years, as the sluggish economy has forced many Americans to tighten their belts, President Obama has reportedly enjoyed a lavish ...
Secretary Of Transportation Flips Out On Pothole In Baltimore
BALTIMORE—Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood went off on a 22-centimeter-wide, 8-centimeter-deep pothole Wednesday, calling it a "goddamn disgrace" and a "real piece of work that ...
Not Knowing What Else To Do, Woman Bakes American-Flag Cake
TOPEKA, KS—Feeling helpless in the wake of the horrible Sept. 11 terrorist attacks that killed thousands, Christine Pearson baked a cake and decorated it ...
Nation Celebrates Independence Day
This Fourth of July, communities throughout the United States will once again gather together to commemorate the nation's independence with baseball games, parades, fireworks ...
Pearl Harbor
Dear The Onion, We need a copy of your Pearl Harbor front page to spin around quickly in a newsreel we're working on. I ...
Alzheimer's Sufferers Demand Cure For Pancakes
WASHINGTON, DC—Alzheimer's sufferers marched on random buildings throughout Washington, demanding more bread in the laundry.
D.C. Residents Can Remember Exactly Who They Were Murdering When Nationals Clinched First Ever Playoff Berth
WASHINGTON—One week after watching the Washington Nationals clinch their first-ever playoff berth, local fans told reporters Thursday that they would never forget exactly where ...
Antique Dealer Sick Of Appraising Smurf Collections
DULUTH, MN—Milton Jarry, an antique dealer with 29 years of experience buying and selling rare collectibles and furnishings, announced Monday that he is sick ...
Christ Kills Two, Injures Seven In Abortion-Clinic Attack
HUNTSVILLE, AL–Jesus Christ, son of God and noted pro-life activist, killed two and critically wounded seven others when He opened fire in the waiting ...
Biden Scores 800 Feet Of Copper Wire
WASHINGTON—Calling it a “major-ass haul” that would provide “some much-needed scratch,” Vice President Joe Biden reportedly scored over 800 feet of copper wire from ...
Congress Arrested On Manslaughter Charges
Negligent Group Believed Responsible For Millions Of American Deaths
WASHINGTON—In a stunning development that has left every federal institution reeling, the U.S. government’s legislative branch was arrested this afternoon on 23 ...
Journalistic Perfection
Dear The Onion, Your paper is outstanding. It is truly a model for greatness and is the essence of journalistic perfection. And I should know ...
D.C. Once Again Murder Capital, Mayor Brags
WASHINGTON, DC—Washington Mayor Anthony Williams bragged Monday that, after nearly a decade, the city has resumed its rightful place as the U.S. murder ...
Caravan Traveling U.S. To Oppose Drug War
Protesting the tens of thousands of deaths in Mexico resulting from the U.S. drug war, a group calling itself the “Caravan for Peace with ...
Panda Born At National Zoo
After five disappointing false pregnancies, Mei Xiang, the female panda at the National Zoo in Washington, D.C., gave birth to a four-ounce cub last ...
Madonna Endorses 'Black Muslim' Obama
During a concert in Washington, D.C. Monday, pop singer Madonna urged the crowd to support President Barack Obama, whom she referred to as a ...
Nation's UPS Men Break Out The Shorts
MANCHESTER, NH—There is no more beloved harbinger of spring than the sight of a UPS man's sturdy calves in the open air.
Crazed Palestinian Gunman Angered By Stereotypes
HEBRON, WEST BANK—In an emotionally charged press conference Monday, crazed Palestinian gunman Faisal al Hamad expressed frustration over the stereotyping of his people.
Three Fingered On Class Trip To Washington, D.C.
WASHINGTON—The second fingering reportedly took place Thursday night at the hotel after chaperones failed to notice that Nick Stern had been hiding in Jamie ...


















