White House, official residence of the president of the United States where, it would be fair to assume, the commander in chief occasionally suffers from bouts of violent diarrhea. Located at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue in Washington, D.C., the house was first occupied by President John Adams, who turned it over a year later to Thomas Jefferson, and both men, at one point or another, more than likely had some sort of intestinal inflammation that caused them to charge bowlegged into what was then probably a privy or water closet to expel the liquefied contents of their bowels. In 1901 President Theodore Roosevelt had all work-related offices relocated to the West Wing where he, just like any other human being, probably had to sheepishly excuse himself from a meeting every so often in a desperate attempt to avoid shitting himself in front of his aides, personal secretaries, and Cabinet members. Built in the neoclassical style, the White House has served as the primary residence for every president but Washington, and every one of them, including John F. Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, and Dwight D. Eisenhower, once sat—red-faced and dehydrated—on one of its 35 toilets, sweat beading on their foreheads, hands clutching their stomachs, and anuses releasing loose fecal matter as their wives sat outside the door asking, “Is everything okay in there?”
